monster sarcasm rally

Data Girl and Flow Chart

Allow me to introduce you to two of my colleagues at my new job, Data Girl and Flow Chart. What I didn't know when I got the position was that there would be three of me. Well, three external contractors brought in to do the same job work together towards a common goal.

Data Girl is so named because she is the one tasked with presenting the data to the various managers involved in the project. Data Girl believes in providing management with ALL the data they asked for. Raw. When asked to sum it up and provide even very simple analysis, her response is always the same: but I gave you the data. It's all there. She keeps explaining to management that if they want to calculate percentages or tabulate responses, it's very easy.

Data Girl is actually a very nice person, but that's not funny, so let's not dwell on it.

Flow Chart is so named because, well... He keeps offering to prepare flow charts for everybody detailing the steps they need to take, may want to consider taking, or have already taken. These flow charts resemble extremely complex Snakes and Ladders games. You start off in a completely unintuitive spot and then proceed to go in the most random of directions. They typically involve as many bright colours as he can think of, as well as numerous different textures, fonts, shapes, and sizes. There is no rhyme or reason to his flow charts. They simply do not flow. Also, flow charts are for losers (or as my father would say: loosers).

Moreover, Flow Chart is a Random capitaliser. This gives us what I shall hereby Dub 'business Analysts' capitalisation', which is similar to the notion of greengrocers' apostrophes (or as Terry Pratchett calls them: greengrocer's apos'trophes). Now I kind of like the Terry Pratchett approach of slapping an upper case letter on words that have taken on a life of their own and become semi-conscious, thus (arguably) justifying the conversion into proper name, such as Foul Ole Ron's Smell. This however, is not that. This is Merely the slapping On of a capital letter At the Beginning of whatever words happen to strike His fancy. It makes me violent.

Flow Chart may or may not be a nice person outside of the above. I'm not sure. I do know that he is frequently absent from or late to conference calls because he needs to: a) put money in the parking meter, b) move his car, or c) bail his car out of automotive jail. He lives in a major city, which I'm pretty sure has a public transit system. The company's offices are right downtown, thus making parking difficult and expensive (not to mention the cost of having one's car towed). I don't understand the reluctance, nay, refusal to take public transit. But then, I don't understand most of what this guy does. And yet apparently we share a job.

Zombie Marilyn

Part 1: 06:46

It's been a long time since I introduced you to a new character, but you really need to know about Zombie Marilyn. I really must spread the word about her. I mean, how could I not. She's just such a ___ to have around.

Part 2: 18:36

Vacant, with a hint of sadness, like a drunk who's lost a bet. Those words may have first been spoken in 2004, but they describe Zombie Marilyn with eerie prescience (yes, the science fiction kind).

Zombie Marilyn is the summer intern in our marketing department. Marketing has absolutely nothing to do with my department. I don't even know where the rest of the department is located. But Zombie Marilyn sits with us.

She wears an absurd amount of make-up, complete with false eyelashes. She has straw-like platinum blonde hair that she wears in a bouffant-y thing. She dresses like leftover fashion magazines from the 1960s. Her bare legs look like she lost a kick-boxing match with a Kitchen-Aid mixer. And she might not have a soul.

Part 3: 19:32

Zombie Marilyn speaks with a soft yet gravelly voice. If kittens could speak English, they would sound just like her.

Emily

Category: The office

Status: Hyperactive

Description: Neurotic IT guy. Gayest man you'll ever meet. But he's not gay.

Named for: Emily Howard, rubbish transvestite.

Noteworthy: Has Kreacher's habit of muttering insults about people in front of them, presumably because he assumes we are all too stupid to understand that he's insulting us.

Also interesting... Emily's wife looks and sounds like Bailey, only meaner. For this reason, it confused me to learn that Bailey's husband was a big, macho black dude. I expected him to be an effeminate blonde.

Also, also... Couldn't speak plainly to save his life. Presumably because that's not what ladies do...

Example: Dear Emily, Oscar Wilde impersonator

Mimi

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Assistant (to the) Regional Manager. Self-important nuissance. Bad editor.

Named for: Really, the best thing to call her would be Assistant (to the) Regional Manager. She thinks she's the boss, and the real boss has to keep reminding her that she's not. Her personality is entirely unlike Gareth or Dwight, though. More like part Drew Carey's Mimi and part Kelly Bundy.

Noteworthy: Although my job title is editor, she was hired to take over the editing responsibilities, thus freeing up my time to take on a bunch of new responsibilities in the lucrative and rewarding field of modelling.

Example: Reality sends its regards

Flatula, Goddess of Wind

Category: Home

Status: Smelly

Description: Flatula is dignified, regal, feminine, intelligent, and malodorous. She was diagnosed with liver cyrrhosis in February 2006. The vet said if everything went as well as could be hoped, she might live up to another three months. She does not care. She has things to do eat, and will not give up until she is ready. 

Noteworthy: Eats more than Sarcastor's dog, who weighs twice as much.

Flatula was formerly known as Valentine, but I enjoy the name Flatula, Goddess of Wind more.

Examples: Humans are so dumb and Is it hot in here?

Glory (renamed)

Category: School

Status: Active

Description: Team member for group work from now until the end of time. Smart. Young. Beautiful. Perfect. The unSarcastrix. Oh, and did I mention insane, obnoxious, self-obsessed psychopath?

Named for: A hellgod on Buffy. Buffy eventually defeated Glory by dying.

Noteworthy: You've probably known her at some point in your life. She's everything you're not and never could be. She's both cool and smokin' hot at the same time. Her hair and make-up are always perfect, even when she's hungover and half dead. And even though she's an insane, obnoxious, self-obsessed psychopath, everybody loves her.

Somehow, she'd look perfectly at home in the middle of a dark, dank, smelly pub; straddling a wobbly chair; cigar in one hand; pint in the other. Glory could pick her nose, belch, fart, and tell crude jokes, and still never let you forget that she's a Hot Chick. She could, she probably would, and my guess is that she actually does.

But — darnitol! — she's nice. And not cloyingly, insipidly nice. She's really, genuinely, honestly nice. It's impossible to hate her. You should. You want to. You just can't, though. Scratch that. Apparently, I was under some sort of mystical spell. I'm better now.

Examples: Glory be!

The children of the corn(y)

Category: Work

Status: Active

Description: The children make life interesting. I don't work with them, but I sit near them, so I get to listen to them talk all day long. Mostly their conversations consist of two three things: gay jokes and debates about where to go for lunch, and Lindsay Lohan's nipples.

Today's most priceless gem...
Hey, do you remember that duet between Elton John and Michael Jackson?
No, what's it called?
Please let your son go down on me.

Noteworthy: The one on the left is the dirty old man.

Examples: These are the same guys who brought you this, this, this, this, this, and this...

Phooey, Screwy, and Loser

Category: School

Status: Active

Description: Phooey seems intelligent. She's nice enough. She just doesn't — you know — get it. She seems to have an inability to think without using her mouth. And she's never heard of an inside voice. She maintains a running commentary throughout the class. She agrees, she disagrees, she queries... She does it all. She never once puts up her hand, or waits her turn to speak. And if she thinks somebody hasn't heard one of her comments, she makes sure to repeat it with increased volume.

Screwy just really, really loves the sound of her own voice. At least she waits her turn, though. Her comments tend to fall into two categories.

1. She repeats what the professor has just said (almost word for word), but in the form of a question.
2. She answers his questions with statements that clearly demonstrate that although she has clearly heard at least some of the words that have come out of the professor's mouth, she has understood absolutely none of them.

Loser seems to think that he ought to be the one teaching the class, whatever that class might be. Again, though, at least he waits his turn. He asks 'questions' that are really just thinly veiled attempts to explain what the professor is — you know — explaining. He never misses a chance to jump up, and ask people questions while writing things on a board.

Noteworthy: In any large group of people, the laws of physics dictate that at least a few of them must be annoying and/or stupid enough enough to warrant the fist of death.

Examples: none yet...

Cathy

Category: School

Status: Over-active

Description: Team member for group work from now until the end of time. SuperKeener. Nice, but manages to make you feel like you need a nap after a 10-minute conversation.

Noteworthy: Our group sat down to talk about how we anticipated things working between us. Cathy suggested that in addition to any project-related meetings we may need to have, we have weekly meetings to discuss our readings. We settled on bi-weekly. He wanted the meetings to last 'not much more than two hours each'. We settled on 90 minutes max. He thought the best place to meet was the library. We settled on the pub.

Cathy sent an e-mail to the group today. He said that in addition to the project-related meetings and the bi-weekly reading-discussion meetings, we should have weekly MSN conference chats.

Cathy wrote an agenda for our first meeting tomorrow. It's very thorough. He's already come up with a strategy for dealing with freeloaders (notwithstanding the fact that we've not had any work yet). And, yes, he did actually want us to do way more work than actually assigned. But you knew that already, didn't you?

Examples: I'm sure there will be many... Unless I kill him first.

Gilderoy

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Assistant to Gareth and Calvin. Narcissistic nuissance. Obsessor of details.

Named for: A professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Gilderoy Lockhart was in love with himself and believed that everybody around him was motivated and inspired by him. He believed that people strived to emulate him, and that (as such) it was his duty to instruct people on how to be more like him. In the end, he was exposed as a fraud.

Noteworthy: You could make a fat lot of money if you could teach me to smile while Gilderoy talks.

Example: An exercise in futility

Mrs Troi

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Glorified receptionist. Smother hen. Paranoia inducer. Manipulatrix. Mentor to New Chick.

Named for: I've been toying with this for a long time, wanting to write about her, but unable to come up with the right code name. She's half Lwaxana Troi and half Peg Bundy.

Noteworthy: Once upon a time, I'm sure Mrs Troi was absolutely gorgeous. She's far from being hideous now, but at 45 she's definitely past her prime. She lives with her two children and her unemployed ex-husband. She treats New Chick like the daughter that she never had. I mean, she has a daughter, but for some reason she has a mind of her own. New Chick fills the role much better.

They go out drinking together. They spend time at each other's houses. She takes New Chick shopping, and tells her what to buy. She tells New Chick what to wear and how to behave. After New Chick moved, Mrs Troi very kindly rearranged all her furniture for her. She gives New Chick career advice, and goes to her for help with stuff she doesn't understand.

Always working for everybody else's best interests, Mrs Troi recently helped her ex-mother-in-law get a job as our part-time receptionist. I'm not sure which of her ex-husbands' mothers this would be.

Example: Stay tuned...

New Chick

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Co-worker. Smelly-feet-haver. Doormat. Bad-relationship-haver. Liker of Ducky. Frequent crier.

Named for: I called her that about 10 minutes after she started working here. I figured it would be a temporary thing until I came up with a better-suited moniker, but it stuck. It suits her somehow.

Noteworthy: New Chick is neither especially pretty, nor especially ugly. Like everybody, she has both good features and bad ones. While she is not overly intelligent, she is not stupid. There's is nothing wrong with her that is not self-created. She is her own worst enemy. She, even more than Bridget, is the stereotype of girlish frivolity. She wears too much make-up and too much perfume. She is under the impression that sex is a weapon and men are the enemy.

New Chick holds a masters degree in drama from the theatrics department at the University of Queensland, located in the town of Molehill Mountain.

I'm entirely tempted to nominate her for What Not to Wear (the show), but I'm afraid she'd hug me and blubber all over my shoulder or something.

Example: Loser magnet
What not to wear (the post)

Jade

Category: The office

Status: Gone

Description: Assistant to unnamed executive. Nice, but in a weird, incomprehensible way. Dumb as a post.

Noteworthy: Jade recently told the other guys about a fight he had with his girlfriend. She's been working a lot. He feels this infringes on his rightful position as provider and protector. By placing a high priority on her career, she's not fulfilling her role as nurturer and care-giver.

The thing is, there are plenty of women in the world who want that sort of life. Many of them go to my church. (I get all twitchy when I have to talk to them.) In fact, Bridget wants nothing more from life than to get married, get fat, and have fat babies. Whatever. Power to them.

But if that's the sort of woman you're looking for, then you probably shouldn't marry a corporate lawyer, Dimwit. A woman who has invested that much time, effort, energy, and cash into her career, probably ain't looking to give it up any time soon.

Example: Jade is the new Luanne

IAMNOTSTRESSED!

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Executive. Stresser-out of all around her. Fast-talker. Loud-walker.

Named for: This post.

Noteworthy: A three-minute conversation with IAMNOTSTRESSED! is equivalent to a double espresso.

Example: Beeeeeeep!

PS: An animated image would give you a much better idea of what we're dealing with, but I can't figure out how to put one in here.

Bridget Jones

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Assistant to my boss, in a sectretarial sort of way. Former flaunter of ginormous tits. Current wearer of smart-but-sensible-senior clothes. Poster child for insecurity.

Named for: That most wretched of phenomenons. First a column; then a book; then a movie; then another movie. Women everywhere use the movie as their gold standard. Everything somehow relates to and is compared to Bridget Friggin' Jones. Women frequently say things like You know how in Bridget Jones [x happened]? Well, it was like that.

I always enjoyed being able to respond with No, never saw it. Most women respond to this statement with a slight head tilt and open-jawed, blank-eyed staring. It flagged me as 'not one of them', not only ending the current conversation, but making future conversations unlikely.

Sadly, I accidentally saw it a few years ago. Luckily, I don't remember it.

Noteworthy: Bridget likes to sing. Trained as a classical opera singer, Bridget roams the office singing random pop ditties — opera style.

Example: Pour some sugar on her
What was she thinking?
Rant, rant, rant

Meat Guy

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Assistant to unnamed executive. Eater of the meat. Partner in snark.

Named for: Meat Guy decorated his cubicle with graphic photos of meat as a form of Sarcastrix repellent.

Noteworthy: Meat Guy's only real friend is Meat Guy. It's in my best interest to keep Meat Guy on my side, and in his best interest to keep me on his side. We have very similar senses of humour, and think in similar ways. We are two of the not-Stupids in the office, and we both recognise that fact. Still, I wouldn't trust him.

Example: Meat Guy says

The Ferengi

Category: The office

Status: Active

Description: Co-worker. Change-hater. Stupid-question-asker. Not in any way my boss, manager, supervisor, or superior.

Named for: A race of aliens, originating in ST:TNG. The Ferengi were meant to be the next big bad, since the Klingons had become allies since the original series. The plan backfired, however, since the Ferengi proved to be too ridiculous to be a formidible opponent.

Noteworthy: The Ferengi was originally named by my dad, who said we shouldn't be using her real name in our e-mails, as IT might be watching.

Example: Questions, answers and results
A fine example of dumb-assery

The sarctims (updated again)

The first, foremost and primary target of my saracsm, derision, snark and downright cruelty is, has always been and shall continue to be me.
Sarcastrix: Writer. Editor. Piss-poor typist. Serial eater. (see: Why?)

THE OFFICE...
The Ferengi: Co-worker. Change-hater. Stupid-question-asker. Not in any way my boss, manager, supervisor, or superior.
New Chick: Co-worker. Smelly-feet-haver. Doormat. Bad-relationship-haver. Liker of Ducky. Frequent crier.
Jonathan: Assistant to unnamed executive. Partner in snark. Coffee-drinker. (see: Call display got me fired)
Meat Guy: Assistant to unnamed executive. Eater of the meat. Occasional partner in snark.
Good Looking: Assistant to IAMNOTSTRESSED! Sidekick to Gareth. Good-looker. (see: It occurs to me)
Jade: Assistant to unnamed executive. Nice, but in a weird, incomprehensible way. Dumb as a post.
Gilderoy: Assistant to Gareth and Calvin. Narcissistic nuissance. Obsessor of details.
Gareth: Executive. Inappropriate-comment-maker. Loud-talker. (see: He's got classy coming out his arse)
Beer Guy: Executive. Vowel hater. New dad.
IAMNOTSTRESSED!: Executive. Stresser-out of all around her. Fast-talker. Loud-walker.
Bill: Executive. Condescender. No-manners-haver.
Pepe le Pew: Executive. Non-speaker of the English. (see: Goshdarnit Jim! I'm an editor, not a translator)
Jackass: Executive. Jackass. (see: In which the Sarcastrix shouts a lot)
Calvin: Metrosexual executive. Wearer of pink shirts. Former underwear model?
My boss: My boss.
Bridget Jones: Assistant to my boss, in a sectretarial sort of way. Former flaunter of ginormous tits. Current wearer of smart-but-sensible-senior clothes. Poster child for insecurity.
Biff: Do-er of something in another department. Doormat trampler. Intimidator. Jackass. (see: Dear BigPimpin, part 2)
Mrs Troi: Glorified receptionist. Smother hen. Paranoia inducer. Manipulatrix. Mentor to New Chick.

THE MONSTER HOUSE...
Cute but Kinda Evil (aka Cute/Evil): Nursing student. Procrastinator. Chef extraordinaire. Partner in snark.
Ford: Brit. Musician. Incomprehensible mutterer. Source of endless amusement. (see: Yo Ford, listen up!)
Rose: Gardener extraordinaire. Cleaner-upper. Tori-Amos-obsessor. (see: Rose)
Anne: Contrary to popular opinion, Anne does not actually live at the Monster House. She just visits a lot.
Valentine: My main dog. Sweet. Highly intelligent. Unaccustomed to living indoors.
The Stinky Monkey: My secondary dog. Small. Cute. Deranged. Possibly evil.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN...
Luanne: Assistant to Jackass. Poster child for fidiocy. Nicest person in the industry. (see: Yes, I'm sure)
The Princess: Executive. Tantrum-thrower. Tiara-wearer**.
Ducky: Assistant to unnamed executive. Sayer of mockable things. With-New-Chick-flirter. (see: The princess reincarnate)
Tribbles: Formerly individual entities known as Shane and Gina. Perpetual like-bunny-makers. (see: Annoying ways to wake up)
Chris: Self-proclaimed accountant. Soul-mate to Luanne*. Inspiration for BigPimpin. (see: And the wiener is...)
Beandog: My first and primary dog. Trained as a police dog. Slightly senile. Hairy beast. Food-obsessor.

*Chris and Luanne have never actually met. They live on opposite ends of the country. But they're both sweet, lovable fidiots. And they were both named for cartoon characters.

**Well, okay... The Princess doesn't really wear a tiara, but in my head I always imagine him dancing and prancing about, wearing a tiara, a frilly pink tutu, and waving a sparkly magic wand with a big star on the end.