monster sarcasm rally

Geekly

Three weeks ago I went to a church.I specifically chose the one I did because it was the closest one that didn't seem to be entirely focussed on children (according to the website). I am neither a child, nor the parent of a child, nor particularly fond of children as a species (apparently they grow up into humans, you know). It was very small — ridiculously so — and kind of comically uncool. There were children there, but nobody paid them over much attention, which is ideal in my mind.

Today I went back. I almost didn't recognise the place. They've got a new vicar. He's about 30, has Camden-Market-type hair, and wears a hoodie. The congregation had almost tripled in size and consisted of smiling, matching, trendy young marrieds with their cuter-than-seems-natural children, several of whom did entirely too much shrieking. In other words, in three weeks the place has transformed into the Church Formerly Known as Rhymes with Sodomise.

Hmm... I'll give it another go, but I'm not filled with hopefulness at this point. Oh, and I checked out the website again. Guess what... They're now all about the children. And the appallingly bad grammar...

Sigh.

In other news... I've decided to join a book club. Specifically, a science fiction book club. First meet-up is tomorrow night. I suppose I should start reading the book in question, eh?

Church no. 2: Smoky Tom's

Second up in my new church-shopping series is St Thomas Anglican Church.
.
.
.

What was the name of the service?
Solemn Eucharist

How full was the building?
Every pew was occupied, though none were full. I would guess there was room for about 300. There were more than 100 people there, probably almost 150. Also, while there was a definite bent towards the upper reaches of the age spectrum, there were a surprising number of young adults as well.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
I walked in what turned out to be the side door (oops), so I managed to bypass the greeters. But one of them spotted me and handed me a bulletin. She stayed right behind me through the whole service, making sure I didn't stray from the order of things. I thought that was a bit odd, though, as I was in the back row.

Was your pew comfortable?
Surprisingly so. When I saw the hard, flat wooden pews, I groaned inwardly, but they weren't bad.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
It was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to laugh, cry, dance, or throw up. Which is to say, I um... got there late, just as the service was starting.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
Mutter murmur cough errmmr grk. Pretty much that's all I heard for the first 10 minutes or so. I'm going to guess the first priest was a mutterer. Either that or it took that long for somebody to drop a babel fish in my ear.

What books did the congregation use during the service?
There was a hymn book and a prayer book, both of which were copyrighted in the 30s and reprinted in the 60s. Mmm... Smell the old books.

What musical instruments were played?
I couldn't tell you. I'm not sure any were.

Did anything distract you?
The woman behind me, whose job it was to make sure I did the right thing at the right time and looked at the right page of the right book at the right time.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
Wikipedia tells me that 'St. Thomas's is more formal and complex than would be encountered in all but a few Canadian Anglican churches today'. Er... Ya, that about sums it up.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
The whole service was just slightly more than an hour, and the sermon was only a very small part of it. It seemed unusually short.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
7. As with the last place, this guy spoke clearly and his message was thought provoking, but there were no real WOW moments for me.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
He spoke on the parable in Luke 14, wherein Jesus tells people not to seek out a place of honour. Basically, the gist of it was don't think of yourself more highly than you ought to. One thing he said was that however you accept people, that's how you'll be accepted. Something like that.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
Wikipedia also tells me that the church is 'nicknamed "Smoky Tom's" for its use of generous quantities of incense. I could definitely see that being an issue if it were a cold day, with all the doors and windows shut. In this case, though, it was a beautiful, clear, late summer morning. All the doors and windows were open. The sunlight was streaming in and there was a bit of a breeze. The sun, the breeze, the incense... The physical atmosphere was amazing.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
I'm not used to the rigid ritualism of even a normal Anglican church. Remember the bit bit about the church being all formal and complex? Ya, I was a bit lost. Are we standing now? Are we sitting now? Don't give me that look; I don't want to kneel! 

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
Absolutely nothing. Nobody looked at me or approached me.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
Coffee?

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
Not sure. I'd like to give it another shot at least. Maybe try to drag myself out for the eight o'clock service. Even though it was more rigid and ritualistic than St Paul's, it seemed more genuine, more honest. Maybe it was the size difference. Maybe it's that everything wasn't polished and beautiful. I don't know.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
I think so.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
During the sermon, which as I've said was about accepting others and not placing yourself above them, there was a disruption. It was an interesting disruption, though. A small, haggard woman with enormous umkempt hair and threadbare clothes came in with a boy about the same size as her and with the same hair. He was obviously mentally delayed, but very happy. He squealed and giggled and squirmed. It was interesting to watch the way some (but only a few) people stared daggers at the pair of them. Most seemed content to let them be.

______________________________________________

Questions courtesy of (= nicked from) Ship of Fools.

Church no. 1: a definite maybe

First up in my new church-shopping series is St. Paul’s Bloor Street. This Anglican church is not to be confused with a United church of similar name.
.

What was the name of the service?
Holy Communion

How full was the building?
The main sanctuary is enormous. I would guess there were about 200 people in attendance; however, there's probably room for at least 1000.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
I was greeted at the front door by a man who handed me a bulletin and news letter.

Was your pew comfortable?
Could be better. The church had beautiful antique pews, but the cushions were old, worn, and kept sliding off the pews.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
The chatter seemed friendly but quiet.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
Sorry, I don't remember.

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Lots of them. There was a hymn book, a service book, and readings from the bulletin.

What musical instruments were played?
I think it was just an organ, but I couldn't really see and I'm not musical enough to tell.

Did anything distract you?
It's always the trivialities with me. In this case it was the name of the preacher: Reverend Jenny. Not Jen. Not Jennifer. Jenny. I expected her to be about 12 years old with blond pig tails.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
I'd say definitely stiff-upper-lip. It's was beautiful, just not my thing.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
The whole service was 75 minutes, and the sermon was only a small part of it. In other words, I don't wear a watch.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
7, maybe 8. She spoke clearly and her message was thought provoking, but there were no real WOW moments for me.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
She spoke about Peter's vision of the unclean animals, and how God told him to eat. Peter said he would never eat anything unclean. Reverend Jenny asked us to think about our God box, the rules we live by that have nothing to do with our faith, but are part of our understanding of God. She encouraged us to break the chains we use to bind God into the mould we've built for him.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The guy who did the first reading made the passage come alive. His tone, pace, and inflections were perfect. Also, the church is stunningly beautiful.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
I remember when I was a child, I occasionally encountered people who seemed to think children were happy idiots. They spoke to me with great enthusiasm but no substance. As a child this vexed me; as an adult, um... Ya, pretty much the same. The priest who opened and closed the service (i.e. not Reverend Jenny) spoke like this. I can't remember anything she said, merely that I considered walking out 30 seconds into the service. 

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
Absolutely nothing. Nobody looked at me or approached me.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
I stuck my head into the coffee room. There was a long table with coffee and juice for people to help themselves. The rest of the room was filled with tables for eight. It was a perfect set-up if you wanted to catch up with old friends, not ideal for the singular visitor.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
7. I'd give it a maybe.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
[shrug] I suppose.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
I'm still chewing over the sermon content, and I think I will be for a while yet.

______________________________________________

Questions courtesy of (= nicked from) Ship of Fools.

In search of church

I don't want to go into the reasons, but I need to leave the church I've gone to for more than four years. It's time to move on. I've been avoiding this for a while now.

The problem is that this means it's time to go on the search. I don't like this part. I'm an oddball; I know I am. I don't fit in anywhere. But I don't blend into the background either. I tend to stand out, and not necessarily in a good way.

To top it off, I'm incredibly, painfully awkward around strangers. Not shy, really. Shy would be better. Shy would let me fade into the crowd. No, I'm awkward. Open-my-mouth-and-just-let-the-stupid-flow awkward. So the search can be painful.

I grew up in a small-c conservative, white, middle-class non-denominational church. Come to think of it, it was actively big-C Conservative too. Stockwell Day been there on occasion. Anyways, the point of that is that I don't understand denominations and how they work.

In my life, I've been to a wide variety of churches: Anglican, Baptist, Pentecostal, United, Jehovah's Witnesses, Church of Christ, that one that's always full of Germans, Catholic, etc.

A few years ago, I was going to a church full of pissed off little old ladies in large hats. They had great music and an exceptionally good pastor. They also had a bit of an attitude problem, or something. I was a head taller than everybody else in the small congregation and one of only three white people. Every single week somebody would admonish me for not raising my hand when they asked if anybody was there for the first time. Every week! And nearly every week somebody would say, oh, you must be here with Daniel. Daniel being the white guy, of course...

I also found that I couldn't sit near the back of the sanctuary, because it was impossible to hear the sermon over all the little old ladies grumbling about what the pastor was doing wrong.

A friend told me she'd heard of a church she'd like to try. She described it as a cool, new Catholic church where the priests are young and hip and they play rap music.

Wow, I said. That is so not my thing, but sure... I'll go with you. Once.

Of course, the church in question was the one with the incredibly stupid name. I still maintain that it's just not smart to name your church anything that rhymes with sodomise, especially if it's a made-up, stupid word. Anyways... The church wasn't Catholic. It was full of youthful energy and artsy hippies. And there was no rap until after I'd been going for several years. Ya, my 'once' turned into four plus years.

Unfortunately for me, I don't belong. Like I said... There are reasons I'm not going into. But I'm going to write about my search, borrowing (read: blatantly stealing) the Mystery 'Shipper questionaire from Ship of Fools.

It should provide you all with endless hours of entertainment at my expense. But that's what I'm here for.