monster sarcasm rally

All in good pun

E-mail exchange...
Me: I have a dentist appointment on Thursday. Need to leave at 1430.
My (possibly drunk) boss: Good time for a dentist appointment. 'Tooth hurty'.
Me: Don't mock me in my time of pain!

The plan

Somebody in my boss's boss's boss's office came to me and asked me to come up with a plan to save money in a certain way. 

I spent three weeks working on it. I hit numerous roadblocks and came up against countless unexpected challenges. But in the end I came up with a plan that was scientifically sound, logical, practical, workable and BRILLIANT.

I presented my plan to my boss. He thinks I'm awesome. I presented my plan to the guy from my boss's boss's boss's office. He was blown away by she sheer genius of it all. 

He asked how quickly I could get it implemented so we could start realising all the astounding savings. I said I'd get to work on it right away. He gave me the name of the individual who could help implement it.

I contacted the appropriate individual.

And that's when the previously unseen brick wall jumped out of nowhere.

No, this other guy (aka 'the petty bureaucrat') says. 'We didn't tell you guys to  implement the plan. We just asked you to come up with a plan. We'll decide whether or not any plan will be implemented.'

I love my job.

I spit on your pivot table!

My job currently involves actively collecting vast amounts of information from other people. Basically I’m asking one person in each group what his group is doing and who’s working on what.

One person has refused to give me the info. Instead he’s given me directions on where to find the information myself. The words needle and haystack come to mind. Also, it means I’m getting the unverified information, not stuff he’s actually gone through and confirmed.

One guy smiled and agreed to provide what I need. But hasn’t done so.

One guy frowned and made sceptical faces, but at least agreed to provide what I need. Although he’s convinced that by me asking, it’s a demonstration that I intend to micromanage everybody in his team on an ongoing basis, and he thinks they probably won’t like that. Also, he doesn’t like the way I’m storing the information I’m collecting. And have I ever heard of pivot tables?

One guy has been fighting me every step of the way, insisting that… well, that he could do a much better job of things than I can.

One guy has been fighting me every step of the way, insisting that if he shares the info he’ll lose control of it. And then nothing will get done.

One guy has repeatedly sent me information other than what I’m looking for and is undoubtedly getting sick of me coming back to him with requests for clarification and or repeats of the same request over again. Of course, he still keeps sending me vast piles of information I didn’t actually ask for and none of what I did.

And then there’s the guy in Germany, who insists that it’s unlawful for me even to request such information. It violates worker rights, don't you know?

Also, pivot tables are for the weak and lazy. Sure, they’re fine for quick and dirty one-off analysis. But if you need reusable report templates, you write the formulas yourself!

She of many hats

So... Time for an office update. A while back my boss was fired made redundant handed a big cheque and politely asked to please, very kindly go away.

Given that his boss had previously left the company, that meant I reported directly into the global head of the division — a man I'd met twice. Briefly. In group settings.

I had a phone conversation with the guy who sort-of replaced my boss. In New York.

Who would I be working for? He didn't know. What would I be doing? He didn't know.

A few weeks later I spoke to him again. By this point they had finally changed my reporting structure such that I reported into this guy. He said the fact that I told him up front that I wasn't particularly good at project management and that I didn't like it very much... Made his job much easier!

Erm. Wow. Thanks.

A few days after that the Chief of Staff called me (also from New York). We chatted about me joining her team. At one point she asked me: You don’t by any chance know anything at all about finance, do you? I mean, if not — don’t worry. The rest of us had to learn it as we went along too.

Actually, I’ve got an MBA in finance and six years of experience in investment research and analysis.

This led to an extended silence, and I began to wonder if (perhaps) I was a little over-qualified for this job. The conversation led to no resolution. Nothing was decided.

Or so I thought...

A few days later she sent somebody else an e-mail, CC-ing me. She said she wanted to set up a meeting to discuss how we should go about transitioning me to her team.

Right.

Then the new big boss in London started. Right away he called me into his office and told me he had big plans for me and my job. The role he had in mind wasn't project management (hooray!), but it also wasn't the same as the stuff I'd spoke with the Chief of Staff about.

Right.

So then this guy took away my last project so I could focus on his stuff. But the guy he gave it to already had a lot of things on the go. So he complained to his boss.

Then his boss decided that since all my projects had been taken away, clearly I had a lot of spare time. And so he took one of this guy's other projects away from him and gave it to me.

To summarise... Until recently I had very little work, and what I did have I hated. I had one boss, and he didn't even know who I was. Now I have four bosses all with completely contradictory ideas about what it is I'm meant to be doing.

I am awesome. The end.

My annual self-assessment was due on Monday. I had plenty of warning. I could have completed it before I left. I ought to have completed it before I left.

But how exactly do I assess my performance when I don't know what my job is or who my boss is? Now I'm in trouble for not having done it. 

What on earth do I say? I don't even know where to start.

That's how we roll in Canada... Apparently

I didn't realise. It's 2:30 and it’s office line dancing time. Is this a daily event? Weekly? Spontaneous?

No, really.

Somebody is blasting Shania on a stereo somewhere and the whole office has gathered to practise their line dancing skills.

SHANIA.

Now they've turned off the music and somebody is counting out a beat. There is much laughter. What the hell department am I in?

Scratch that. The music is back on. And there is clapping. Not applause. Clapping along.

I want to come home now.

People are now SINGING THE FRAK ALONG!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm goin' out tonight
I'm feelin' alright
I'm gonna let it all hang out
I'm gonna make some noise,
Really raise my voice.
Yeah I'm gonna scream and shout

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The lyrics are courtesy of my co-worker who started e-mailing them to me when I told him this. I sure as hell do not know them.

Unfortunate typo

A colleague had a question for me. He sent a message saying 'would you mind pooping over here?'

Yes, actually I do mind. I mind very much.

Why I hate project management, part 4

Conversation 1
Initiative Manager: Are your teams almost finished the dev work?
Me: No, they won’t assign anybody to do the dev work until the business communicates that this is a top priority. I’m seeing the business guy tomorrow. I’ll remind him to let the app managers know this.
Initiative Manager’s Boss: Please forward us the meeting invite to us for the Prioritisation Meeting with the business you told us you were having tomorrow. The prioritisation needs to be settled. We have to get together to communicate about [yadda yadda management jargon yadda].
Me: The prioritisation is settled. He just needs to communicate [blah blah blah tactful dancing around the issue blah].
Initiative Manager’s Boss: [sings Chic’s biggest hit at me]
 * Later *
Business Guy: Shut up. Just do not speak to people.
Me: Right. Sorry. So, can you please communicate with the app managers?
Business Guy: Frak off.

 

Conversation 2
Initiative Manager: Sars, I need you confirm with BG that he will support [blah blah blah].
Me (thinking, that seems weird): BG, IM asked me to ask you to confirm that you’ll support this.
BG: No, frak her. Tell her there’s no frakking way.
Me (to IM): I’m sorry, perhaps I’m confused. You asked me to confirm with BG that he could support this. But what exactly is it that you want him to do?
IM: No! Everybody knows that’s not his job. You cannot go bothering him with this. I told you to ask each of the individual app managers if they could support this.

 

Conversation 3
Me (to app managers): Please could each of you confirm that you can support this.
App managers (collectively): Frak off. That’s not our job. Go talk to the people in Capacity Planning.

 

Weird / not weird

The office kitchen smells strongly of incense. Which strikes me as a strange thing for an office kitchen to smell of.  

Also, I hate people.

Ode to this afternoon

Wise men say
Only fools rush in,
But I can't help falling asleep at my desk.

Shall I nap?
Would it be a sin,
That I can't help falling asleep on my keyboard?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Actually, I should probably do some crap, seeing as my job may be in jeopardy.

Clarity in the workplace

I ran into my boss’s boss on the way into the office this morning. He asked me if I’d heard any more about that job within the department.  

I told him that – well, yes – I’d met with the big boss last week, and erm… There is no job. At that point he turned left and I turned right and the conversation ended.  

Apparently he called the big boss and repeated what I said. So, I just got called into his office. There was a touch of the ‘you just made me look like an idiot’.  

‘It’s not that there is no job’, he said.  

I’m no less confused than I was before. It’s completely not true that it doesn’t exist. It’s just that it doesn’t exist right now. In this space-time continuum. And they’ll need to re-evaluate it. And it won’t mean working for the person it was going to be working for. Or be called what it was going to be called.

It still exists. Maybe. In the future. Or another reality. Or something.

The first rule of Initech is you don't talk about ANYTHING

In recent weeks I have had two job interviews. Both have been internal positions. Both have been with the so-called hiring managers. Both have gone really well. In both cases I was invited back for second interviews.

I had second interviews for both roles on Friday. In both of those interviews I found out that the alleged jobs do not actually exist.

Non-existent job no. 1: If the job ever does come to exist in future, My name will probably (well, maybe) be at the top of the list. Near, the top of the list. On the list. We'll see.

Non-existent job no. 2: The interviewer said he was really surprised they were willing to meet with me at all. Usually when there are positions open, they want candidates with experience. Could you get out of my office now, please?

Weekly drinking and b*itching session

From: Sars
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:04
Question: Wednesday or Thursday?
Discuss.  

From: Gay Co-worker
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:06
It is customary to use the asterisk to replace a letter when censoring words, rather than just to displace it…
Wednesday or Thursday works for me.  

From: Sars
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:07
Oops!

From: Blonde Co-worker
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:11
Depends which day we could all leave the office at 6.

From: Sars
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:12
Well, that rules [Girl] out altogether.  

From: Girl Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 2:13 PM
Harsh.  

From: Gay Co-worker
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:14
Fair.  

From: Blonde Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 2:16 PM
She can remote in with my iPad.  
Girl – what were you drinking last time? It looked like you were eating mint leaves  

From: Gay Co-worker
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:17
Oooh, does that work now? Remoting from the iPad…?  

From: Sars
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:18
Hmm… Is she remoting into the office from the pub? Or remoting into the pub from the office?  
I just used remote as a verb. I need to go take a shower.

From: Girl Co-worker
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:24
Or you could use pink comic sans… :)   

From: Sars
Sent: 20 September 2011 14:27
[Girl Co-worker], let’s socialise these plans now. :) Will you be remoting into the office from the pub? Or remoting into the pub from the office?
LOL
;)
xoxo   

Ugh. I feel so dirty. 

   

There is no spoon

Or 'Why I hate project management, part 3'...  

I’m working on a complex project that will impact many systems. I’ve spent months gathering info from various system owners and developers. Right at the start the owner of System X told me that this would not impact his system, there is no dev work required, no config, no data mapping, nothing. He has declined to participate in any of the tech team meetings ever since.   

In the tech meetings for the project, the various other system owners have all told me that System X will need *a lot* of work to implement this project. Everything depends on System X. There will be massive amounts of data verification, mapping and conversion in System X for this project to work.   

I went back to the owner and the developer for System X and asked them if they were really, really sure there was no work for them to do. I explained what we were trying to do and how important it was.   

The developer got back right away and said, ‘don’t worry. Everything’s mapped to [the thing we’re trying to eliminate]’.   

So I wrote back and said ‘if it’s mapped there, it will need to be remapped elsewhere as that is the whole purpose of this project’.   

The system owner responded right away. ‘Nothing is mapped to [the thing we’re trying to eliminate] or to [the thing we’re replacing it with]. There is no mapping’.   

That’s great. I’m going to document everything and keep the e-mail trail, but somehow when it all goes wrong, I will still be the one who looks like an idiot.   

This same system owner caused me grief last week as well. I was trying to get dev names for all the impacted systems. I was in a meeting with a bunch of people who told me to get a dev contact for System X. I had an e-mail from this guy telling me who the contact was. I stated it in the meeting. Everybody laughed. Surely I misunderstood, they said. He doesn’t work on X; he only works on Y.   

I replied to the system owner using the same e-mail in which he told me the name of the contact for System X and said that everybody had laughed.  

‘NO!’ he said. ‘He is not to work on System X. He works only on System Y’. 

Why I hate project management, part 2

Yesterday I sent an e-mail to the users on this project (CC’ing my boss). I said here is the gap analysis. It contains a full list of all the features in the new system side by side with a full list of all the features in the current system. It also describes each feature. I need you to tell me how and when each feature is used.   

Today I heard back from my boss, saying he had met with the users yesterday late afternoon on this. They sorted out a plan to get the documentation done.

What I need to do is send them a full list (not the gap analysis) of all the features in the new system side by side with a full list of all the features in the current system. I also need to describe each feature.  

So, could I please do that ASAP?   

    Have I mentioned I hate my job? 

Why I hate project management

The team of twatting jackasses invent a project and tell me that it will be accomplished by implementing their FUS (frakking useless system) in place of the current STWJF (system that works just fine).  

I conduct a gap analysis. There are many gaps.

But…

• I can’t get the dev team to tell me how they plan to close out the gaps until I can tell them how things will work when the project’s finished.
• I can’t get the team of twatting jackasses to tell me how things will work, until I can tell them how they currently work.
• I can’t get the dev team to tell me how tell me how things currently work because that’s not their job.
• I can’t get the users to tell me how things currently work until I can tell them how they will work when the project’s finished.
• I can’t get the users to tell me how things should work when the project’s finished because that’s not their job.
• I can’t get the team of twatting jackasses to tell me anything at all until I can document exactly how things currently work and precisely how they WILL work when the project’s finished. But they’ll certainly follow up with daily meetings, chat sessions, phone calls and gazillions of e-mails telling me to hurry up and finish the documentation.  

Oh, and of course, I can't get anybody to do anything until the documentation's completed and signed off.

No, you cannot touch the Mango

I'm working on a project at work. In other news, everybody laughs when I say 'project', because apparently I say it funny. Well, you can all bite me.

Anyways, this project is full of tools, wankers and one massive, screaming, two-faced twat. This last, a stupid, petty little boy who has graciously decided to mentor me, is currently the bane of my existence.

He schedules lengthy meetings for the two of us. The only means I have found of avoiding committing suicide during these meetings is by sending snide, bitchy e-mails to people while looking him in the eye.

After one particular such e-mail a co-worker responded by telling me to imagine him naked. What happened instead was...

He's such an arrogant, self-important pompous little git, that the image that sprang to mind was... Well... Suddenly I saw him in spandex hot pants and cowboy boots, covered in glitter, dancing around, trying to persuade a crowd of people to touch him. Unsuccessfully, I might add.

It wasn't a particularly pretty sight.

That's how my brain works.

Also, I think he needs a silly little hat. I just can't decide what kind.

A minute of 'silence'

 

We just had the most undignified moment of silence in history. An announcer came on and said we were going to have a minute of silence in honour of friends, family and colleagues who lost their lives in the terrorist attacks in the US 10 years ago.   

She then proceeded to leave the microphone on for the entire minute, during which we got to listen to her chair squeaking and her mobile phone going off.  

My colleague and I sat here with our hands over our mouths trying desperately not to laugh. Which would have been rude…

Let's do this again, shall we?

Meeting Notes from this Morning's Very Important Meeting

Attendees: Sars
On the phone: 0
Absent: All others (0 declined, 5 accepted, 3 ignored the invite)

Meeting Minutes
10:00 to 10:02 — checked my e-mail
10:03 — wandered out into the corridor
10:04 to 10:06 — surfed the internet on my iPhone
10:07 to 10:11 — typed sarcastic blog post on iPhone
10:12 — got bored and returned to desk
10:14 — returned to conference room to hang up the phone

Welcome to Initech

I had a job interview this week. It was for a different job in the same department at the same company.

I suspected that some of what the hiring manager wanted out of this role was stuff I’ve already been doing.

Turns out that although there’s more to it than what I’ve been doing, she had no idea a lot of the stuff I do was being done by anybody or who it was being done by if it was being done at all. In most of the department, those are things that fall under her team’s remit. So she decided to create a new job for somebody to come in and do those things.

Basically, if I get that job (and it sounds like there’s at least a reasonable chance I will) then I will get to do more of the part of my job I like and less of the part I hate. If I don't get that job it will be for one of two reasons. Either it means they've figured out that they don't need to hire me to do a job I already do, or it means there's a reason they're advertising my job.

Sigh. Welcome to Initech. Nothing is ever simple.

Today is poo

My day started off with my boss sending me a message telling me to put together a stupid document, and not to bother with formatting or content – just get it done.

He CC’d a bunch of people who’ve been accusing us of not doing our jobs, thereby making it seem he was saying it was all me. Whether he meant to CC them, or just accidentally hit reply to all, I do not know. Whether he wanted it to sound as if he concurs with their assessment, I do not know.  

But now I need to do up a document full of information I do not have, whilst not bothering about the frakking formatting or the goat-bothering content. So long as it answers everybody’s questions…  

Right. No prob. Shouldn’t be an issue. Would you like me to magically conjure up a flying monkey made of cheese to dance around the office singing Christmas carols as well?  

I hate my job.

Comestibles

Ugh! The office mice got into my desk drawer and broke open my pack of tortillas. They ate their wthroughout the packaging, and then — just for good measure — chewed up (and presumably pooped on) all my papers.

And speaking of delicious food... Mmm... Avocado and lime cheesecake. Breakfast of champions.

My life as an 80s film...

Six weeks ago I discovered that my department at Initech appears to be paying vast amounts of money for applications that don't exist, which reside on servers that don't exist.

I write to person A. Please tell me where I can find more info about these charges.

Person A refers me to person B, who refers me to person C, who refers me to person D.

I'm now on about person Q. At every stage of the game, I am told that they can't help me unless I provide more details about these charges. At every stage I repeat that I do not have more details.

I expect to be invited to spend the weekend at Bernie's any time now.

Almost cool

Guess who went out with the cool kids last night.

No, actually it was me. What's more, I somehow avoided revealing my complete-and-utter-loserness to the group.

I did, however, manage to lose my wallet. Luckily, somebody found it and turned it in, so all I had to do was trek clear across London in the middle of the workday to retrieve it.

Beery good times

The cool kids in the office have just invited me to go drinking with them on Wednesday evening. This is the first time this has happened in my 11.5-month tenure at Initech.

The guy who asked me has only been here a week. Clearly he’s not yet received the memo about who to invite and who to pass by.

But here's my dilemma... If I don’t go, they’ll think I’m not cool. But if I do go, they’ll KNOW I’m not cool. Of course, given that the occasion for these festivities is a massive beer fest, it's safe to say there will be lots of people. And we all know how I feel about people.

I think I'll make the effort to go, but then I'll disappear into the twighlight when nobody's looking.