monster sarcasm rally

Seven-layer post

Every day I think of things to write and every day I'm too lazy to follow through. 

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I've been speaking with several dog rescue groups about fostering. Most have turned me down (mainly because I can't commit to more than 6 months). Two accepted me, but then didn't have any dogs in need of care. 

Today one of them called me about a German Shepherd. They're currently doing a temperment assessment to see if he's suitable to be placed with me. If he is, he'll be coming later this week. 

Then one of the groups who turned me down called me. Well, okay, they didn't so much turn me down as just hate every answer I gave to their questions (for starters, they really didn't like that I had a job). But now they're desperate, so suddenly I don't seem so bad. Anyways, I said I didn't want a bonded pair as it would be unfair to my dog. So of course, they called about a bonded pair. 

Whatever. 

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We'll see what happens. A few weeks back I had a finance exam. I sat down to write it and promptly forgot everything I know. I barely remembered my own name. Since I'd done well in the class to that point, they agreed to let me rewrite, on the condition that I do so in Waterloo (150 km west of here) during business hours. So I arranged to take Monday off. At the last minute though something came up and they decided I had to work. 

I left the house at seven, drove 90 minutes to the university, wrote a three-hour exam, grabbed a smoothie to suffice as lunch, drove 90 minutes to the office, and worked until eight. Nice day off, eh?

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So, this swine flu thing... Love this article, by the way... Now normally I'd disregard all the hype and carry on with life as usual. But two things are making me just a wee bit paranoid this time. 

First off, I just finished reading Earth Abides by George R Stewart. If you haven't heard of it, it's a sci-fi book from the 1940s. It starts off with a post-grad university student doing an eco study of some isolated area in the mountains in California. He returns home after being completely alone for a month or two to find everybody's gone. It becomes apparent that some plague has wiped them out. 

He travels all over the US searching for survivors, and finds a mere handful. The book follows the changes in the earth as well as his life (and ultimately his little tribe) for a period of about 60 years. It's an excellent, well-thought-out and profoundly sad book. But, yes, the fact that I was reading this as the swine flu began to hit the news... Um, ya, little paranoia going on in my head. 

The other thing that's adding to my paranoia is that... Well... Remember the allergy attack I've been having for the last year? Did I mention I was on nasty, evil drugs I was on? Right. I'm taking immunosuppressants. I'm supposed to stay away from anybody who's the slightest bit sick. I've been instructed that if I have the slightest fever or anything, I am to check myself into the nearest emergency department. 

I may be a wee, little bit paranoid, but I think it's understandable. 

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Also, speaking of the nasty, evil drugs... My scalp is finally in good enough shape to colour my hair. Yay! I don't even care what colour it is. Just different, you know?

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Also, also, why does nobody ever understand when I'm joking? I hate that. Somebody will be joking around, saying absurd, blatantly obviously untrue things. I'll say something equally ridiculous on the same theme. Then the original joker will explain that he was joking and that I shouldn't take everything so seriously and that there's no need to get so upset. Sometimes they even apologise for having upset me. Really, what's up with that?

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Also, also, also, um... I forget.

IT'S PEOPLE!

In class tonight the topic was what certain companies could do to improve themselves from a sustainability standpoint. One of the companies was McDonald's. We were asked for ideas.

I suggested that they should serve Soylent Green.

Nobody got it. Everybody took it down as a serious suggestion. They LIKED the idea. They thought it was some kind of new super food.

People are such sheep.

Somebody please tell me something good

Because I wasn't already feeling miserable enough about life, the universe, and everything...

When I got home from yet another crappy day at work one of my housemates gave me an ultimatum. Either I begin shelling out an extra $160 a month to get the housekeeper in every week (instead of every other) or they are all going to collectively pay $160 less rent every month. What I have to do to come up with $160 a month is my problem.

Then I went to my finance class, where I wrote my final exam. And by 'wrote', I mean 'stared blankly at for three hours'. It was all stuff I have learned before. It was all stuff I know. It was all stuff, I generally find really easy. But tonight, nothing.

Jabberwocky

This week's MBA assignment is a group debate or roundtable. But we can't debate as ourselves; no, that would be too normal. Instead the prof assigned us characters, real people who once took part in a televised debate, which we get to recreate.

My character is a woman who used to be the head of a group that no longer exists (and the website is dead). She also founded a company that no longer exists (and the website is dead). Wikipedia has never heard of her. She once gave a presentation to some people, and that presentation still exists on the web. It was the sum total of material I could find on her, along with a listing for her new job with the city of Vancouver.

Allow me to sum up her most excellent presentation...

Point 1. We always had Walkable neighbourhoods until WWII
Point B. People drove horse-drawn Carriages to green-grocers who only Served customers who walk there
Point Triangle. Somebody did some economic, forecasting and then people had Babies.
Point 7. Then streetcars came along and streetcar suburbs are Very fashionable places to live.
Point Roman Numeral XII. Children are fat and have Malls and cars
Point Cabbage. Mixed-use communities
In conclusion to create capacity for implementation of smart growth solutions in towns & cities through education/awareness programs and research

I'm sorry, but I don't speak gibberish.

And now for something completely different...

Student in class yesterday: It's 3:40.
Prof [looking confused]: And 40 minutes from now it will be 4:20. What's your point?
Students turn to each other and whisper (all but two): What does that mean?
Prof: Well, that's the special time.
Students look blank, some still asking what that means.
Me: Oh, just google it.
Other student: Ya, from your work account.
Prof [looks around room incredulously]: Geez, you guys been smoking something?
Student calls up 4:20 on wikipedia and begins to read the entry aloud. It refers to the consumption of cannabis and, by extension, a way to identify oneself with the drug subculture. Some students still look confused.

Protocol

So, um... If I'm writing an essay (say for a post-grad university class), can I cite myself? And if so, how do I source that?

Blah

Work sucks. School is hard. Life is boring.

In other news... I want to go to Croatia.

14 months to go

That's it! I'm never doing another MBA again.

And then some

Go here. Fast forward to 6:56.

Now you understand how I feel right now.

PS: Piss off!

Dear Ms _____, Manager of Graduate Administration,

Thank you for your kind letter dated today.

With respect to e-mails allegedly sent to my university e-mail account, please be advised that I know nothing of this account. I have never used it and it is highly unlikely I ever will.

With respect to the letter I allegedly received 'warning [me] of the consequences of allowing [my] account to remain unpaid', please be advised that I know nothing of any such letter.

Many of my fellow students have employers willing to subsidise their education expenses. As such, I am sure you receive your payments from them with all due expediency. I do not have this luxury and am therefore obligated to find almost $15,000 a year by forgoing luxuries such as coffee, clothing, and food.

Clearly, you are unaware of this fact, but $15,000 is a lot of money.

Unless you wish to stop receiving the aforementioned funds from me altogether, I would politely suggest that you postpone my expulsion until two weeks from now, when I expect to receive my tax return.

Sincerely,
The Sarcastrix, Impoverished University Student

Blech

I've decided I don't like accounting after all. Will you write my test for me?

Time to lean...

This time, they're coming to my house to work. My house —> my rules. No slackers. But drunkenness is permissible.

Now I have an hour to clean the place up before they get here so they don't think I'm a slob.

Even though I am...

Math for an accounting class

If any one of us could do the work in less time than it takes the group as a whole to do the work then it is inefficient to do the work as a group.

We spent six hours on Sunday working together on the problems we've been assigned and we accomplished less than we would have if ONE of us worked for ONE hour. This implies that I am going to stab you all with a fork.

Feel my pain

I'm going to kill somebody. Seriously.

So far today...

I have been yelled at by several people for one of Mimi's oopsies, then was made to listen while the boss blasted her and demanded she explain how she would avoid screwing up in future. She stammered and grovelled. How much longer before I can just have her job already?

I have yelled at the webmaster for an online competition that's part of one of my classes. He, however, is an idiot; yelling at him is pointless. My grade is dependent upon doing well in a contest the rules for which are on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'.

The guy who sits next to me has endless conversations with his girlfriend. For example, in one he repeatedly apologised and tried to explain that the traffic on Mount Pleasant was really not his fault. No, please stop crying. Later she called to ask whether it would be acceptable to wear a skirt and top to a wedding or if she would have to wear a dress. These are immediately followed by calls to his buddies to complain.

The woman on my right spends the day talking and muttering to herself. She also gives the most banal, insipid economics-for-retards lectures. Littlebabycryingpants thinks she's brilliant.

And underlying all of it, the cold calls still go on.

This just in

The Superinsanecrazypsychobitch is in my accounting class this coming term. If it turns out that she's also in my finance class, I might have to scream.

This just in

I just checked my school's website to see if my grades are in yet. We're supposed to be getting our final marks for our first four terms soon. Four terms! 16 months! No official grades yet!

Anyways, the marks weren't there yet. I mentioned my frustration to the Ferengi. She said the school probably wouldn't post them online or send them by e-mail; they'd mail them to our houses.

Mail? Why would they do that?

Because not everybody has computers or e-mail.

Ya, that's right. She believes that some of my business school classmates don't have e-mail addresses. Some of them live in candle-lit igloos with no running water.

Come on! Even the Ferengi has e-mail.

Oh, that's even better

I was wrong.

They're not just useless lumps of plastic; they're useless lumps of battery-operated plastic.

When activated, the useless lumps of plastic would issue forth a bunch of squealing children's voices. The reason for this is simple, and I quote, It's a positive message. Adults would get a kick out of hearing those helium-filled voices at work! Kids have a stake in the environmental issue; it's this generation's 'bogeyman' like the cold war was to ours.

Oh my cheese curds. I need a nap. Or a bottle of scotch. Whatever.

I'm sorry, you think WHAT?

Dear MBA Groupmate,

[Insert big, long, cleverly worded, vitriolic rant that I haven't got time to write]

Seriously!

Exasperatedly,
Sars

Have I mentioned that school is for losers?

Dear Groupmate,

If you insist on being so totally fixated on the empowerment of the masses — the uneducated, unmotivated, ignorant, illiterate masses — then you are going to end up living in a world run by a bunch of power-hungry idiots who make today's politicians look like an elite squad of super-geniuses.

Also, if your 'green plan' involves making and selling thousands of big useless, throw-away, plastic decoration thing-a-ma-useless-bobs about how easy it is to be green, well...

Ugh. I give up. Say what you want.

Whatever,
Sars

I want money

Yay me! I finished the marketing assignment that was due on Friday. Ya, just now. I e-mailed it to the prof at 9:19. What's your point?

I called it the best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees.

Oh boy, stats class

I'm going to accidentally sleep in tomorrow morning, after forgetting to set my alarm clock tonight.

In brief...

New Chick nearly ran into the boss in the parking lot one morning last week. This earned her a stern lecture on the importance of safe driving habits. I might've been amused if she'd actually dented his shiny, expensive SUV with her beat-up old Neon. Ya, she drives a Neon. Loser...

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

I had to buy a dryer and a vaccum in one weekend. I don't even own a house (yet), and I already own a comically ancient dishwasher, a late-model washing machine, a four-month old fridge, and — hypothetically at least — a brand spanking new dryer. Oh, and a non-functional dryer. Also, when did vacuums become the sort of thing that need to be replaced every two years. This is my third one. I'm getting tired of this process.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

While trying to post an online room-for-rent ad on a free bulletin board, I got a notice informing me that I could be fined 'more than $10,000 for each discriminatory ad' if I used any 'discriminating' statements. Their samples of banned statements include: 'hispanic area', 'christian household', 'no kids', and 'prefer student'.

Ya... I live near Chinatown, Little Italy, and Little Portugal. I will not live with children. I prefer to keep the household balance at a 1:1 male-female ratio. Gee, gosh, Martha, I hope nobody sues me for that!

Valentine could get me in real trouble as she is vehemently predjudiced against canine people.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

I asked my parents if they could help me out with the downpayment for the house. The idea was that if I borrowed part of the money against their house, I could make a larger downpayment, thereby qualifying for a lower interest rate and less insurance. It would mean making two payments per month (one to my bank and one to theirs), but would work out cheaper in the long run. I said they didn't have to, but I'd appreciate it. They agreed to ask their bank if this was possible.

Then Bubble procrastinated.

She finally got back to me yesterday. She had some big story about why it wasn't a good idea to do it that way. She said it wasn't financially in my best interest (which it is). I asked her about a smaller amount (which would have a similar but smaller effect). She hemmed and hawed.

I started to see things more clearly. If you didn't want to do it, you could have said no in the first place! There was no need to keep stringing me along for two months. You could have said no.

I didn't want to do that. I felt it was only fair to do some research first.

That's mother-speak for I was hoping the bank would say no for me so that my hands would be clean.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

In other news, talking to Cathy makes me exhausted.

Scenes from an accounting class

Alternate title: sailing the wide accountant seas

Our accounting professor, Manny, disproves all stereotypes about accountants. You would think accountants would be up-tight, anal-retentive, hyper-organised. You'd think they would speak in a monotone. Well, I would have thought that...

Not Manny, no. He's a really good teacher, but he's not what you'd expect.

He scribbles illegible notes onto the overhead, while standing in front of the screen. He's prone to digression. At one point tonight he was rambling along about GAAP, and somebody asked a question. He paused and said he hadn't heard it.

I think I'm losing hearing in one of my ears, which reminds me of a man I used to know. He was deaf in his left ear, and he'd always stand to the one side of me, and he could never hear anything I said. I think it might have been a personal statement. But then he won the lottery, but he wasn't the sort of person who would quit his job just because he won the lottery, so he kept working at the bank. But after that nobody at the bank would take him seriously because he'd won the lottery, and he ended up having to quit, which is really too bad.

I remember one time he bought a house for a dollar. Ya. It was funny. This was in Ottawa. He saw this ad in the paper really early in the morning, and so he called the guy up and ended up buying the house for a dollar, and just assuming the mortgage payments. It was funny. He was a such a stumpy little guy, but his son... He was short and, you know, not thin, and really plain looking, but his son was a male model. I always thought that was really strange. Anyways, he was deaf in one ear. Where was I?

Then we had more accounting class. Loser kept putting up his hand and asking the most stupid, long-winded, asinine questions. I was thinking of hurling my cup of coffee across the room at him. Just then Cathy leaned in close and whispered I heard a rumour that he was dead. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs. From a shoe. With a comb.

Well, no. I'm not. Not at all, but it had to be said.

First day of class

Walked into the school tonight. The programme co-ordinator was standing out front with a list of the groups. I chatted with her for a moment, then glanced down at her paper.

We were originally known as Group Six. When they split us up, they said Glory and her two minions would be Six, and the three of us would become Group Ten.

Oh, I thought we were supposed to be Group Ten, I asked. The picture of innocence, I am.

No, you're Group Six. The other three are Group Ten. Except... Well, one girl withdrew, so the two of them are all on their own now.

Really? Well, we certainly don't want them back. Oh, me, such a silly jester I am.

She seemed perfectly serious in her response, though. No, I don't blame you. Not at all.

Ha! Take that you insanesuperpsychobitch!

I figured it out, and I'm okay

We got word today that the divorce request was actually sent in the form of a letter. Glory called the professor in charge of the program and explained the problems the group was having. According to her, he suggested the split and asked her to put the request in writing.

The letter was written and signed by Glory and her two minions. It was sent to the professor two weeks ago. We found out about it yesterday, and requested a copy. We received it today.

In a nutshell, she said that Cathy was difficult and unhelpful. She said the other chick lied and slacked off. Glory said she tried to contact her to get her to rewrite her section of the report, but couldn't get a hold of her. In the end she had to rewrite her section for her.

Me? Well, I'm different apparently. She said that I really did try to contribute; however, I was just too deeply stupid to understand the nature of the assignment. She said I was so senstive that she thought I might start crying if she explained it to me one more time. In the end, she said, they were forced to leave me out of the loop because I simply couldn't understand the work.

In response, the faculty went ahead and granted their request without so much as a word to us about what was going on. We will, of course, have words with the faculty about this.

In the meantime, however, I have a few words of completely politically incorrect and untactful response.

Listen up, Bitch. While that's certainly true that Cathy is difficult and unhelpful, it's also completely ridiculous to complain that he didn't show up for meetings you didn't invite him to.

You tried to contact the other chick to get her to rewrite her section of the report, but couldn't get a hold of her? Really, that's funny, because that was the section that she and I wrote together. The section I sent to you. The section I offered three times to revise in any way you saw fit. The section you never once responded to me about.

And me? I'm many things, but stupid ain't one. Neither is sensitive.

You lied. You told partial truths out of context. You twisted the facts to appear the way you wanted them to.

If the faculty takes your letter even the slightest bit seriously, then you'd better watch yourself. I can play dirty too. And in the end, I'll take you down even if it means taking myself down in the process.