monster sarcasm rally

Comestibles

Ugh! The office mice got into my desk drawer and broke open my pack of tortillas. They ate their wthroughout the packaging, and then — just for good measure — chewed up (and presumably pooped on) all my papers.

And speaking of delicious food... Mmm... Avocado and lime cheesecake. Breakfast of champions.

I can't handle the truth

My housemate, Anne, has been behaving oddly.

A few months back she casually told our other housemate (Ford) and me that one of her two jobs had recently made her full-time instead of her previous part-time status. As a result, she works eight hours a day, seven days a week.

Around the same time I noticed that sometimes she left for work far earlier than she needed to. As in she left the house at 6:00 instead of her usual 8:00. That's strange, I thought. And a few times I noticed her heading the opposite direction of the bus stop, towards the train station. Hmm... Also weird.

A few times the tube line she takes to work has been screwed up, and yet she hasn't known about it when I've mentioned it in the evening. On the days she left early and headed towards the train station she was dressed up. Dressed up as if she worked in an office — not a smelly lab. Again with the weird.

I wondered if she was taking days off and volunteering with her friend's employer. It makes sense. It's the field she wants to work in. Volunteering is a good way to get experience, which will help her get a paying job in the future.

But working so much has — shall we say — a negative impact on her personality.

Ford and I have suggested to her that she should take some time off, given that she is accruing holiday pay. At first she told us that she couldn't take it. Then she said she was saving it for her mum's visit in September. I said that unless her mum was visiting for a full 5 weeks, then she had extra she could use any time. Then she said he asked her employer about holiday pay, and they told her she wasn't entitled to any.

I looked up the regulations on the government website. She is entitled. And yes, five weeks. I showed her. She brushed it off.

Today I figured it out.

It's not occasional. It's not random. It's every week, at least twice a week. She's not taking time off her full-time job; there is no full-time job.

She lied about being made full-time at the lab. She's been lying about where she goes twice a week, every week for at least two months. She lied about asking about holiday pay. Not just omitting the truth — I wouldn't object to that. No, she has actively lied on repeated occasions.

The thing is, I don't know why. I mean, I get why she's doing the volunteer work. I just don't know why she's lying about it.

I told Ford. He says I'm being ridiculous. He says I'm imagining it all.

I'm not.

My life as an 80s film...

Six weeks ago I discovered that my department at Initech appears to be paying vast amounts of money for applications that don't exist, which reside on servers that don't exist.

I write to person A. Please tell me where I can find more info about these charges.

Person A refers me to person B, who refers me to person C, who refers me to person D.

I'm now on about person Q. At every stage of the game, I am told that they can't help me unless I provide more details about these charges. At every stage I repeat that I do not have more details.

I expect to be invited to spend the weekend at Bernie's any time now.

Keep calm

48 hours after the worst of the riots and — for the most part — everything has returned to normal. Yes, there were lives lost, and for their families and friends, everything has changed. Yes, buildings and property were destroyed and the recovery will take time. Yes, there will be economic repercussions.

But on the whole, for most people, life has returned to normal. The keep-calm-and-carry-on mentality is so deeply ingrained in the city's psyche that you just can't keep them us down.

Aftermash

I wanted to join the cleanup efforts today after work. When I got home, though, my neighbourhood had been all cleaned up.

I thought of going to Lewisham, which isn't far away. It was one of the areas that was hard hit last night. But there's a note from the Council that everything's all cleaned up there as well.

So instead I'm sitting with my housemates watching the complete lack of new news on the BBC. They just keep looping the same footage and bits of interviews, mostly from last night.

Panic on the streets of London

London is filled with looting, rioting and arson tonight. It's been going on for several days, but has spread from a single area to the whole London today.

I walked the dogs this evening. We went down to the main road about 100 metres from my house. I ran into a herd of these so-called youths (i.e. people under the age of 60-ish) running down the street with bundles of stolen goods. Four of them ran to an expensive car (for which they had the keys), shoved stuff in the boot, and drove off.

And that's just sleepy east Greenwich.

Update at 07:14: I spoke with some cops this morning. They told me that they'd caught people last night who had hired cars so they could transport all their loot.

Update at 08:49: For the record and because this is being reported a a race-related issue... All the individuals I saw last night were white.

Anybody here speak gibberish?

I need a translator.

We're moving house next week. Specifically, we're moving from a 3-bedroom furnished house into a 3-bedroom unfurnished house. So, I'm in furniture-buying mode. I've bought most of it on eBay, and for the most part my experiences have been positive. All but one that is.

I won the auction for a used wardrobe at £16. I contacted the seller.

I said I would need to arrange for a delivery service to collect the wardrobe and asked him to let me know when would work. He immediately offered to deliver the wardrobe for £15. We arranged for him to do so a few days later. He never showed up.

A few days later I e-mailed and asked what was up. I said I didn't need the wardrobe for a few weeks, but that I did need to know when he was planning to deliver. Alternatively, I said I had a van booked for the 13th of August and could pick it up then.

On 20th July he responded and said he'd been having trouble with his van, but would let me know when he could deliver.

Fast forward to the 3rd of August. I was at the Beer Festival with the Cool Kids from work. My housemate called me in a huff, demanding to know why I hadn't told her somebody was coming to deliver a wardrobe.

Oh, yes. He showed up at my house unannounced. Nobody was home, so he sat in his van, watching the house for an hour. My neighbour saw him there and almost called the police to report suspicious activity.

He then made my housemate help him move the wardrobe into the house, breaking off one of the knobs in the process. (Punny aside: too bad it wasn't his knob.) He wanted her to give him cash, but she didn't have any. He told her he'd give me a discount for the damage caused.

By the time I got home he had sent me an e-mail demanding I pay him immediately — £30. He tossed the word 'sorry' somewhere into the message in a less-than-heartfelt apology. Thanks for the £1 discount there, mate.

Needless to say I left negative feedback (after paying him his £30 of course). The text limitation meant that all I could say was: 'Goods fine, but terrible comms. Showed up at my house unannounced — not cool.'

He sent a message through eBay, insisting I change my feedback to positive. For comedy's sake I will leave his original spelling and grammar intact.

i did appologise for that delivery. you asked me to deliver it before 13th of august*. is that a big problem that delivery man knocks to your door??? you didnt give me your contact number to let you know and i wouldnt complaint even if no one would be at home at the time because i didnt arrange it with you. new handles has been sent to you buy post as well free of charge! i didnt request a payment yet. apprieciate if you remove your feedback. thanx

*Note that this is in fact NOT what I asked at all.

I responded that my feedback was accurate, that he never asked for my phone number, that he made no attempt to contact me for two weeks prior to showing up unannounced, and that my neighbour had nearly called the police.

I then received one final message from him. And this is where the request for translation services comes into play.

i only TRIED to make you remove your feedback it doesnt mean i acctually sorry. i dont worry too much:) sometimes it happens with cheeky buyers (making £14 for not paying for delivery this is not even enough to pay cleaner to clean the house) so dont feel so bossy buying wardrobe for £16 lol, which was found on the street dumped by someone and soaked of water! lol hopfully you will find some bed bugs lol. you only making me reactiveting my accout. ive been surprised you are happy with the goods lol but your house is not clean either so it will look perfect:) by the way.. what would your neighbour tell the police? "please help! someone is trying to deliver goods for my neighbour" they dont even care about such a silly out calls :) what a joke lol i like it you made me laugh :) thank you x

Anyone? What the hell does that actually say?

Almost cool

Guess who went out with the cool kids last night.

No, actually it was me. What's more, I somehow avoided revealing my complete-and-utter-loserness to the group.

I did, however, manage to lose my wallet. Luckily, somebody found it and turned it in, so all I had to do was trek clear across London in the middle of the workday to retrieve it.

Beery good times

The cool kids in the office have just invited me to go drinking with them on Wednesday evening. This is the first time this has happened in my 11.5-month tenure at Initech.

The guy who asked me has only been here a week. Clearly he’s not yet received the memo about who to invite and who to pass by.

But here's my dilemma... If I don’t go, they’ll think I’m not cool. But if I do go, they’ll KNOW I’m not cool. Of course, given that the occasion for these festivities is a massive beer fest, it's safe to say there will be lots of people. And we all know how I feel about people.

I think I'll make the effort to go, but then I'll disappear into the twighlight when nobody's looking.