Anybody here speak gibberish?

I need a translator.

We're moving house next week. Specifically, we're moving from a 3-bedroom furnished house into a 3-bedroom unfurnished house. So, I'm in furniture-buying mode. I've bought most of it on eBay, and for the most part my experiences have been positive. All but one that is.

I won the auction for a used wardrobe at £16. I contacted the seller.

I said I would need to arrange for a delivery service to collect the wardrobe and asked him to let me know when would work. He immediately offered to deliver the wardrobe for £15. We arranged for him to do so a few days later. He never showed up.

A few days later I e-mailed and asked what was up. I said I didn't need the wardrobe for a few weeks, but that I did need to know when he was planning to deliver. Alternatively, I said I had a van booked for the 13th of August and could pick it up then.

On 20th July he responded and said he'd been having trouble with his van, but would let me know when he could deliver.

Fast forward to the 3rd of August. I was at the Beer Festival with the Cool Kids from work. My housemate called me in a huff, demanding to know why I hadn't told her somebody was coming to deliver a wardrobe.

Oh, yes. He showed up at my house unannounced. Nobody was home, so he sat in his van, watching the house for an hour. My neighbour saw him there and almost called the police to report suspicious activity.

He then made my housemate help him move the wardrobe into the house, breaking off one of the knobs in the process. (Punny aside: too bad it wasn't his knob.) He wanted her to give him cash, but she didn't have any. He told her he'd give me a discount for the damage caused.

By the time I got home he had sent me an e-mail demanding I pay him immediately — £30. He tossed the word 'sorry' somewhere into the message in a less-than-heartfelt apology. Thanks for the £1 discount there, mate.

Needless to say I left negative feedback (after paying him his £30 of course). The text limitation meant that all I could say was: 'Goods fine, but terrible comms. Showed up at my house unannounced — not cool.'

He sent a message through eBay, insisting I change my feedback to positive. For comedy's sake I will leave his original spelling and grammar intact.

i did appologise for that delivery. you asked me to deliver it before 13th of august*. is that a big problem that delivery man knocks to your door??? you didnt give me your contact number to let you know and i wouldnt complaint even if no one would be at home at the time because i didnt arrange it with you. new handles has been sent to you buy post as well free of charge! i didnt request a payment yet. apprieciate if you remove your feedback. thanx

*Note that this is in fact NOT what I asked at all.

I responded that my feedback was accurate, that he never asked for my phone number, that he made no attempt to contact me for two weeks prior to showing up unannounced, and that my neighbour had nearly called the police.

I then received one final message from him. And this is where the request for translation services comes into play.

i only TRIED to make you remove your feedback it doesnt mean i acctually sorry. i dont worry too much:) sometimes it happens with cheeky buyers (making £14 for not paying for delivery this is not even enough to pay cleaner to clean the house) so dont feel so bossy buying wardrobe for £16 lol, which was found on the street dumped by someone and soaked of water! lol hopfully you will find some bed bugs lol. you only making me reactiveting my accout. ive been surprised you are happy with the goods lol but your house is not clean either so it will look perfect:) by the way.. what would your neighbour tell the police? "please help! someone is trying to deliver goods for my neighbour" they dont even care about such a silly out calls :) what a joke lol i like it you made me laugh :) thank you x

Anyone? What the hell does that actually say?

Comments

[awakemysoul]

My understanding is that you've been had. He found the wardrobe in the garbage and sold it. That you trying to evade paying him for delivery won't be enough to pay a cleaning person to clean your house (which in his opinion is a sty). Also, your neighbour would look ridiculous calling the police on him trying to deliver something you bought.

[Lisa in Berlin]

I can't translate, but I think you should make "dont feel so bossy buying wardrobe for £16 lol" your blog's new tagline.

[sarcastrix]

Hello Jamie! 

Geez, some people are idiots (him, not you!) I'm not trying to evade paying him. I merely took him up on his oh-so-gracious offer of a £1 discount. As to the idea that he found it on the street, sure. I'm not bothered by that. The fact is, it's clean and in good condition. If it had ever been left in water, it would be noticeable. As to the notion of it being riddled with bedbugs... Well they live in soft furnishings. If it had bugs, they'd likely be spiders. And there aren't any spiders in or on it.

I didn't expect the wardrobe to be amazing. I expected it to be okay, and it is. I'm just amused by this jackass's attempts to insult me. Oh no! I'm not a very good housekeeper. I'm so ashamed! Now no man will marry me. I guess I'll have to go out and get a high-paying grown-up job to support myself instead. Oh wait. Never mind.

Sent from my iPhone