Hello, IT. Did you try turning it off and on again?

Last week my work computer died. Just dead. Wouldn't even turn on.

I called the Unhelpful Desk. The guy asked for my name. I said my full name and then spelled my surname. He repeated only my surname and asked if that was my first, last, or only name. I repeated my full name. He asked me to spell it. I spelled both names, speaking slowly, loudly and clearly.

He repeated back a name that wasn't mine (first name wrong, last name right). Clearly he had only listened to the first three letters of my first name*, and then just stopped paying attention.

Unhelpful Desk: I've got two Jorja Murphy's working here. Jorja E. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y and Jorja R. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y. Which one are you?
Sars: That's not my name.
Unhelpful Desk: Right but I've got two people by that name. Which one are you?
Sars: That's not my name.
Unhelpful Desk: But there are two Jorja Murphy's working here. Jorja E. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y and Jorja R. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y. Which one are you?
Sars: That's not my name. I just spelled my name for you, and it's not Jorja. It's Jordan.
Unhelpful Desk: Yes, but there are two Jorja Murphy's working here. There's Jorja E. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y and Jorja R. Murphy M-U-R-P-H-Y. I can't help you until I know which one of them is you?
Sars: That's not my name.

This went on for an uncomfortably long period of time. Then finally...
Unhelpful Desk: So what's your name?
Sars: Jordan Murphy.
Unhelpful Desk: Can you spell it?
Sars: J-O-R-D-A-N.
Unhelpful Desk: Oh, sorry about that. Okay. What's your last name?
Sars: It's still Murphy.
Unhelpful Desk: Can you spell it?

Really, I kid you not. And yes, he was fluent in English. Just thick...

Anyways, the following day — again, I kid you not — they had somebody get back to me about swapping my computer out for a loaner while they fixed mine. Because 24 hours without a computer is perfectly acceptable... A guy called me and asked me some (thankfully sensible) questions. Then he put me on hold. While I was on hold, I began disconnecting my computer. I accidentally dropped some cables down behind my desk.

I put the phone on speaker and climbed under my desk to retrieve them. Of course, the IT guy promptly came back on the line. I proceeded to have a 20-second phone call on speaker from under my desk. He asked me where I was in the building. I answered. He said he'd be over in about 15 minutes. End of call.

After the phone call ended, but before I got up off the floor, That Woman** came over. Excuse me. Do not use speaker phone. It's very annoying. Other people around here have work to be doing, you know. Then she walked away before I could respond, leaving me sitting on the floor under my desk, under the computer that wouldn't turn on.

So, ya... This is my life and that's my job. Aren't you jealous?

Also, I accidentally wrote an editorial article this week, which wasn't meant to be an article at all, and which nobody seems to have understood or enjoyed. If you're interested I'll send you the link. But, you won't like it.

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* In case it's not glaringly obvious, names have been changed to protect the innocent the guilty me.

** You know That Woman, every office has one. Just the other side of middle age. Walks slightly stooped over. Complains about everybody, everything, all the time — and not in a funny way. She's the hardest working person in the company (not to mention the least efficient), and if you don't know how hard she works, she'll be sure to point it out.

Comments

[lisa the knitter]

they can't just buy a new computer in like 5 minutes? this is probably peanuts compared to the salaries of all the people involved in this fiasco. but maybe reason is not to be used in an office.

[Kelly]

Interested in the accidental article!

[Mishka]

I feel your pain...really, I do.

[sarcastrix]

There are drugs you can get for that.

[xanax]

Please one more post about that.I wonder how you got so good. This is really a fascinating blog, lots of stuff that I can get into. One thing I just want to say is that your Blog is so perfect