monster sarcasm rally

IT'S PEOPLE!

In class tonight the topic was what certain companies could do to improve themselves from a sustainability standpoint. One of the companies was McDonald's. We were asked for ideas.

I suggested that they should serve Soylent Green.

Nobody got it. Everybody took it down as a serious suggestion. They LIKED the idea. They thought it was some kind of new super food.

People are such sheep.

Plenty of fish

My father and I have many repeat conversations. He has a bit of the selective memory loss thing going on. Maybe I do too; I can't remember.

Today we had our annual fish e-mail conversation, wherein he tells me about a fish and chip shop in Toronto that he's heard good things about. He suggests we go there for dinner while he's visiting this summer. I respond that I don't eat fish.

He says I used to. I say, I know, but I don't anymore. Since when, he demands. 1999, I say.

Then he doesn't speak to me for a while.

This has all happened before

Dear Ron,

Wait, wait, wait... I know this story. I've seen it before. No, read it before.

That's it. It's the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and they're the Golgafrinchans.

Do I get a prize for spotting that? Will they keep redoing the finale over and over, each time based on a different piece of literature? I can't wait for the Wuthering Heights version.

Sincerely,
Sars

PS: I'm so glad Tyrol finally offed that frakkin' bitch.

Somebody please tell me something good

Because I wasn't already feeling miserable enough about life, the universe, and everything...

When I got home from yet another crappy day at work one of my housemates gave me an ultimatum. Either I begin shelling out an extra $160 a month to get the housekeeper in every week (instead of every other) or they are all going to collectively pay $160 less rent every month. What I have to do to come up with $160 a month is my problem.

Then I went to my finance class, where I wrote my final exam. And by 'wrote', I mean 'stared blankly at for three hours'. It was all stuff I have learned before. It was all stuff I know. It was all stuff, I generally find really easy. But tonight, nothing.

Excel tips for the deeply stupid

So, the new guy I'm working with... He's a good guy; really he is.

But (you knew there'd be a but, right?) He's um... He's got a very different style of working than I do.

An example... He asks me to collect all the exchange rate data for a group of six currencies for the past 10 years (daily data), and then provide quarterly averages for each. So, 4 quarters per year x 10 years x 6 currencies. Sure, no prob.

I collect all the data in a big giant worksheet. Then I create a new worksheet, and build a little table. Currencies across the top. Quarters down the side. I spend 2 or 3 minutes writing a complicated formula in the first cell in the table.

Basically, the formula says go to this other worksheet, find the column with this exchange rate and then sum all the rates that fall within this date range. Divide the result by a count of the number of dates that fall within the same range. Then I drag this formula across the 6 columns and highlight all 6 cells. I drag it down to the 40 time periods.

Five minutes work. Maybe 10 if I make it pretty.

I take it back to the dude. He opens up the file, looks at the table, nods his head. Then he clicks on one of the cells in the table. Whoah! What is this? I don't understand this formula. It's too complicated.

I explain, much as I did above.

No, he says. What you do is click in the cell and type AVERAGE. Then you go over to the sheet with the data and look for the cells you want. You highlight them and press return. See, very easy.

Ya, then you have to repeat that TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE TIMES!

[sigh]

StairMaster to Heaven*

There was a long-standing argument amongst people in my department about the Bobbleheaded Moron's sexuality.

I maintained that he was in love with Not-Amy. Everybody else said: no way! Not possible! He so does not bat for that team.

Right... Well, today I found out that the day he started with the company Littlebabycryingpants took him home. You know, to show him some company spirit. And then she complained afterwards that he was into really freaky stuff and it creeped her out.

Um... Ya, maybe not so smart to sleep with your new co-worker until after you find out if he's got a head full of cheese curds and maybe-just-maybe likes to slap women about, dumbass.

Also, did she not notice the bobblehead? For that matter, did he not notice the crazy?

Anyhow, none of these people work for the company anymore, so it's all pretty much moot. Still, eeew!

*The title of this post has nothing to do with the post itself. It's a line from a book I'm reading, and it amused me.

Bad politics

Today's quote comes from Winston Churchill. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Today's post title comes from the one we call the God of Biscuits, sometimes known as Ford and other times known as BAAAAAAAAAAAD POLITICS.

Woohoo! (Redux)

Torchwood's on Space right now (again), people. Right now. Turn that TV on, and let it do the same for you.

Sexiest. Fight scene. Ever.

Seriously.

Jabberwocky

This week's MBA assignment is a group debate or roundtable. But we can't debate as ourselves; no, that would be too normal. Instead the prof assigned us characters, real people who once took part in a televised debate, which we get to recreate.

My character is a woman who used to be the head of a group that no longer exists (and the website is dead). She also founded a company that no longer exists (and the website is dead). Wikipedia has never heard of her. She once gave a presentation to some people, and that presentation still exists on the web. It was the sum total of material I could find on her, along with a listing for her new job with the city of Vancouver.

Allow me to sum up her most excellent presentation...

Point 1. We always had Walkable neighbourhoods until WWII
Point B. People drove horse-drawn Carriages to green-grocers who only Served customers who walk there
Point Triangle. Somebody did some economic, forecasting and then people had Babies.
Point 7. Then streetcars came along and streetcar suburbs are Very fashionable places to live.
Point Roman Numeral XII. Children are fat and have Malls and cars
Point Cabbage. Mixed-use communities
In conclusion to create capacity for implementation of smart growth solutions in towns & cities through education/awareness programs and research

I'm sorry, but I don't speak gibberish.

I suspect

1. Topher is a Doll
2. Helo had a relationship with Caroline, either familial or romantic
3. Alpha is somebody we already know, most likely either Topher or Helo

That's not funny

Back up 14 months...
I was promoted from The Girl Who Makes the PDFs to Professional Staff, an unheard of jump. The starting salary for the new position was 150% of what I was making at the time. Yes, that's right, I said 150%. Did I get that raise? No, I did not.

Maybe they're waiting for a probationary period, I thought.

Then they promoted somebody else in the same department. Do you think he got a raise?

12 months ago...
I talked to the boss. He made a big speech about how he couldn't give me a raise, even though he knew I deserved it, and he was very sorry, but he'd give me one as soon as he could and blah blah blah. Then he capped it off by telling me he had given Littlebabycryingpants a raise. Littlebabycryingpants! The same Littlebabycryingpants who:

1. had less experience,
2. had been there a year less,
3. was still support staff, and
4. was unreliable as all crap.

So, ya, she made more than I did.

8 months ago...
When the new boss took over, I talked to him about it. He said he was sure it my imagination.. I told him to look it up.

Then they hired a new guy. Do you think he made more than I did?

6 months ago...
When the bonuses dried up, I lost the excuse that maybe they make up for the difference in salary that way. So, I brought the issue up with the boss again. Again, he said he was sure it my imagination.. I told him to — really, really this time — look it up.

Then they hired 3 new kids (all with far less experience than I've got). Do you think they made more than I did?

A week ago...
I brought it up again. This time the bossman knew what I was talking about. He acknowledged that I really do make substantially less than my peers (all of whom have been with the company less time and the majority of whom have been in this position for less time). He apologised, but said there was no money in the budget for a raise.

A few hours ago...
They promoted a guy who's had my job for six months. Gee, I wonder if he'll get a raise? AND they announced they'll hire some newbie to take his place. Do I even need to ask?

I can't even pay my bills. And they keep hiring children for more money than I make.

And then the children I work with invited one another out for drinks to celebrate, making sure to leave me out of it.

And then one of them (the youngest) said he had to be home this evening to interview new potential housemates. Which led to a discussion of the candidates... Which led to the fact that one of them was a 30-year-old woman. Which led to much mockery, because what kind of 30-year-old woman is so pathetic that she needs to live in a house with a bunch of random people? She must be a complete loser.

And then I got an e-mail from Hans, who clearly thinks I am still just The Girl Who Makes the PDFs. This would explain why I get paid less than the admin staff. I mean, clearly I never really was promoted. I was officially, but in everybody's minds I'm still just The Girl Who Makes the PDFs. That's all I'm capable of, apparently.

$50 thousand for my MBA, and I'm still just The Girl Who Makes the PDFs. Good grief, I'm overpaid if that's all I am.

I have never felt worse about myself or my life or my future.

Tedious

How can I be simultaneously so busy and so bored?

It's too cold and too boring and too whatever here. I'm dying of ennui. And I don't even know how to pronounce it.

The socially retarded part

Dear Stupid,

When somebody asks you what your plans are for the evening, let them finish before you thank them for the invitation.

What's more likely: they're going to ask you to join the gang at the pub? Or they want you to put their laundry in the dryer when it's done?

Really... Come on. You should know this by now.

Thanks,
Sars

Square

My co-workers pointed out that today is a square day: 3/3/9. 3x3=9. The next one isn't until 4/4/16.

That's sufficiently geeky for me to want to celebrate it.

And yet... And yet, I'm sufficiently pedantic enough to be troubled by the fact that the year is not in fact 9, but 2009. And as we all know (I trust), 3x3≠2009.

So, if you choose to celebrate this square day, then may it be merry. If not, well, that's all right too.

More Whedon

Dear Global TV,

No Dollhouse episodes on your site? What gives?

Sars

This is not a karaoke bar

There is this woman at work. I don't know what she does, but she has really stupid, overly fashionable hair.

Her office is near where I sit. It's one of those little offices with the cardboard walls. All day, every day, we get to listen to her insipid phone conversations with her friends, her stupid cooing at some child on the phone, and her shouting at her mother on the phone.

That was bad enough.

The other day she was in a really good mood. It was much, much worse.

She spent the whole day belting out retro diva tunes in a warbly, off-key voice. Seriously, does she think those walls are soundproof? Or is she just too drunk to spell inappropriate?

Better

Dear Jane,

Much better. Thank you.

Also, aha! I knew it. Daniel is going to turn out to be her father, isn't he?

Sincerely,
Sars