A day for luvvin'

Yesterday was Bonus Day here in Moneyland.

On Bonus Day, each peon serf employee sits down with the bossman for a conversation about performance: personal, departmental, and corporate. The bossman tells you what you’ve done well, what you could have done better on, and what you should focus on for the next few months. Then he hands you a cheque. Hypothetically speaking, good performance = big cheque.

I dread Bonus Day. I mean, I like the money and all, but the conversation is never a happy one. Not for me, at any rate. It goes like this...

Boss: You do very good work. I appreciate how well you perform and how hard you work,
Sarcastrix: [opens mouth to speak, then realises he hasn’t paused]
Boss: which brings me to my dilemma: do I pay you based on your performance or based on the countless hours I waste listening to people complain about your attitude?
Sarcastrix: [opens mouth to speak, then realises he hasn’t paused]
Boss: [begin half hour rant about everything that is wrong with my personality]
Sarcastrix: [opens mouth to speak, then realises he hasn’t paused]
Boss: So, I could ask you to work on these issues, but really, your personality is the problem. I can’t very well ask you to get a new one. One of these days, though, I’m going to decide that no matter how good you are, it just doesn’t outweigh your personality, and then I’m going to fire you.
Sarcastrix: [opens mouth to speak, then realises he hasn’t paused]
Boss: Here’s your cheque. It’s for [an obscene amount of money]. I’ve also given you a raise, effective the first of January. You’ll get back pay for the last month and a half.
Sarcastrix: [opens mouth to speak, then realises he hasn’t paused]
Boss: The big project that’s on the go right now will fall primarily on your shoulders. Make sure the Ferengi stays out of it, but get some input from New Chick. If it all goes well, there’ll be even more money next time. Unless I fire you first.
Sarcastrix: [goes home and drinks too much]

Now, if that conversation had ended with a small bonus, I would know to start looking for a new job right quick. But no, it didn't. So, now I'm just kinda baffled. And I've spent the morning looking for community college courses in tact and diplomacy. Apparently, I was born without that gene.

Comments

[KtP]

Congrats. I think.

[CBK]

Would it be unprofessional to suggest he fire the people who have a problem with your personality, instead?

[Putnawa]

I also teach courses in tact and diplomacy, and I'm looking for a reason to move to Canada.

[Andras]

I think it's a safe bet your boss has a crush on you. However many 'eeeeew'-s this will engender... In essence, what he just did is the following:
"You grate on people. You grate on me. Now grate on me some more. Please."

ps: Hahaha (evil cackle)

[Andras]

Holy shit, your boss was the hand delivered that valentine to your house! FREAKY!

[sarcastrix]

KtP: [shrug]

CBK: Yes.

Putnawa: Dude, if you could successfully teach me that, I'd marry you. I wouldn't even care that you were gay.

Andras: No 'eeew'. Just 'um... no'.

Andras: If he were going to do that, he'd have to get Bridget to do it for him. And I know it wasn't her, since the card and envelope were spelled properly.

[V]

To quote you who quoted your boss: "which brings me to my dilemma: do I pay you based on your performance or based on the countless hours I waste listening to people complain about your attitude?". The outcome plainly states which one your boss values more. The 1/2 rant sounds to me like a little slap on the wrist, like he is saying: "You are crossing the line here. Tone it down or we'll do something about it".

[OEN]

oh my god, you just had the professional equivalent of "we need to talk". Where the guy goes on and on how he wants to marry someone LIKE you but NOT you and you assume he's going to break up with you and then he says Want to meet my parents this weekend? Fucktards. All of them.

[Robin]

Hmm....look at it as a challenge. Instead of just trying to change your personality, figure out how to rearrange what you say to people.

In essence, you want to say what you mean in terms and with a tone of voice that is extremely businesslike, while slamming them in a really unobtrusive way.....