monster sarcasm rally

I am Sherlocked

He didn't. And neither did he. Nemeses need each other. If you've got a nemesis, it's your responsibility to keep them alive and battle-ready. Otherwise what's the point of you?

Friday the 13th

Today I have successfully:

• pissed off our clients;
• persuaded management that I’m incompetent AND requested my performance review;
• convinced a guy that I am desperate, cloying, annoying, demanding and a giant moron; and
• convinced somebody who wants my job that I am utterly rubbish at it.

Oh, and because it's that kind of day... It turns out the guy (in spite of all the interest he's shown) has a girlfriend. With whom he lives. Oops, did he forget to mention that? Before chasing away all the other guys who were looking interested...

   

The oddly specific proposition

'Tis the season for Christmas parties and festive gatherings. And that means one thing is certain — people will be getting it on. Or at least trying to...

I had my work Christmas do on Tuesday. After the bar staff kicked us out of the first place so they could close up, a bunch of us went to an after-hours bar in the City.

I ran into a guy I had met at a bar a few months back. We chatted for a few minutes, then he returned to his group and I to mine.

A few hours later he reappeared.

'I'm heading out now. I'm going to grab a cab. You're welcome to join me — if you want. Just putting it out there. It's an idea.'

That's sort of your bog-standard, textbook classic proposition. Nothing's too specific. We both know what he means. We both know what he wants. I can (and did) say no without a scene and with only minimal wounded pride.

But the key feature is plausible deniability. If I were to create a scene (what? You don't call me for two months and now you think I'm going to sleep with you!) or if some mysterious, beefcake boyfriend were to appear from behind a previously unseen tree and start something, he can claim he just meant sharing a cab. That's all. Nothing else.

Right.

One guy decided to take a slightly different approach. He started off in fairly typical form, but then veered off into what has to have been The Most Oddly Specific Proposition. Certainly the oddest I've received from a man I don't know.

He began by asking what I was doing later. Well, no. He began by buying me a drink. Not the drink I asked for, mind. But a drink none the less.

I said I was going home. He asked if I were sure. Oh, yes, I was. He told me he had a hotel booked just around the corner. All the time waving his hands around, showing off his wedding ring.

Then he asked if I was familiar with talcum powder. 'Erm... Yes', I said. He asked if I ever used it. I do not.

He went on to offer me 'the most amazing night ever', having talcum powder rubbed all over my naked body. All night. Even if nothing else happened, he said, we'd both have a wonderful, incredible night.

Wow. So much for plausible deniability.

Also, eew.

I spit on your pivot table!

My job currently involves actively collecting vast amounts of information from other people. Basically I’m asking one person in each group what his group is doing and who’s working on what.

One person has refused to give me the info. Instead he’s given me directions on where to find the information myself. The words needle and haystack come to mind. Also, it means I’m getting the unverified information, not stuff he’s actually gone through and confirmed.

One guy smiled and agreed to provide what I need. But hasn’t done so.

One guy frowned and made sceptical faces, but at least agreed to provide what I need. Although he’s convinced that by me asking, it’s a demonstration that I intend to micromanage everybody in his team on an ongoing basis, and he thinks they probably won’t like that. Also, he doesn’t like the way I’m storing the information I’m collecting. And have I ever heard of pivot tables?

One guy has been fighting me every step of the way, insisting that… well, that he could do a much better job of things than I can.

One guy has been fighting me every step of the way, insisting that if he shares the info he’ll lose control of it. And then nothing will get done.

One guy has repeatedly sent me information other than what I’m looking for and is undoubtedly getting sick of me coming back to him with requests for clarification and or repeats of the same request over again. Of course, he still keeps sending me vast piles of information I didn’t actually ask for and none of what I did.

And then there’s the guy in Germany, who insists that it’s unlawful for me even to request such information. It violates worker rights, don't you know?

Also, pivot tables are for the weak and lazy. Sure, they’re fine for quick and dirty one-off analysis. But if you need reusable report templates, you write the formulas yourself!

She of many hats

So... Time for an office update. A while back my boss was fired made redundant handed a big cheque and politely asked to please, very kindly go away.

Given that his boss had previously left the company, that meant I reported directly into the global head of the division — a man I'd met twice. Briefly. In group settings.

I had a phone conversation with the guy who sort-of replaced my boss. In New York.

Who would I be working for? He didn't know. What would I be doing? He didn't know.

A few weeks later I spoke to him again. By this point they had finally changed my reporting structure such that I reported into this guy. He said the fact that I told him up front that I wasn't particularly good at project management and that I didn't like it very much... Made his job much easier!

Erm. Wow. Thanks.

A few days after that the Chief of Staff called me (also from New York). We chatted about me joining her team. At one point she asked me: You don’t by any chance know anything at all about finance, do you? I mean, if not — don’t worry. The rest of us had to learn it as we went along too.

Actually, I’ve got an MBA in finance and six years of experience in investment research and analysis.

This led to an extended silence, and I began to wonder if (perhaps) I was a little over-qualified for this job. The conversation led to no resolution. Nothing was decided.

Or so I thought...

A few days later she sent somebody else an e-mail, CC-ing me. She said she wanted to set up a meeting to discuss how we should go about transitioning me to her team.

Right.

Then the new big boss in London started. Right away he called me into his office and told me he had big plans for me and my job. The role he had in mind wasn't project management (hooray!), but it also wasn't the same as the stuff I'd spoke with the Chief of Staff about.

Right.

So then this guy took away my last project so I could focus on his stuff. But the guy he gave it to already had a lot of things on the go. So he complained to his boss.

Then his boss decided that since all my projects had been taken away, clearly I had a lot of spare time. And so he took one of this guy's other projects away from him and gave it to me.

To summarise... Until recently I had very little work, and what I did have I hated. I had one boss, and he didn't even know who I was. Now I have four bosses all with completely contradictory ideas about what it is I'm meant to be doing.

I am awesome. The end.

My annual self-assessment was due on Monday. I had plenty of warning. I could have completed it before I left. I ought to have completed it before I left.

But how exactly do I assess my performance when I don't know what my job is or who my boss is? Now I'm in trouble for not having done it. 

What on earth do I say? I don't even know where to start.

That's how we roll in Canada... Apparently

I didn't realise. It's 2:30 and it’s office line dancing time. Is this a daily event? Weekly? Spontaneous?

No, really.

Somebody is blasting Shania on a stereo somewhere and the whole office has gathered to practise their line dancing skills.

SHANIA.

Now they've turned off the music and somebody is counting out a beat. There is much laughter. What the hell department am I in?

Scratch that. The music is back on. And there is clapping. Not applause. Clapping along.

I want to come home now.

People are now SINGING THE FRAK ALONG!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm goin' out tonight
I'm feelin' alright
I'm gonna let it all hang out
I'm gonna make some noise,
Really raise my voice.
Yeah I'm gonna scream and shout

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The lyrics are courtesy of my co-worker who started e-mailing them to me when I told him this. I sure as hell do not know them.

Deja vu

One year ago I planned a trip to Toronto to clean up my house. On the 30th of October my grandmother died. I had to change my trip to go to Sarnia, 300 km outside of Toronto in the middle of nowhere for the funeral. This kicked off 6 months of awful, beginning with me spending 10 days in hospital, where they misdiagnosed me and treated me like the needle-sharing junkie whore they thought I was.

Fast forward one year.

I am in Toronto to clean up my house for sale. On the 30th of October my grandmother died. I have to change my trip to go to Sarnia for the funeral.

I don't think there will be anymore trips to Toronto for me.

Unfortunate typo

A colleague had a question for me. He sent a message saying 'would you mind pooping over here?'

Yes, actually I do mind. I mind very much.

Why I hate project management, part 4

Conversation 1
Initiative Manager: Are your teams almost finished the dev work?
Me: No, they won’t assign anybody to do the dev work until the business communicates that this is a top priority. I’m seeing the business guy tomorrow. I’ll remind him to let the app managers know this.
Initiative Manager’s Boss: Please forward us the meeting invite to us for the Prioritisation Meeting with the business you told us you were having tomorrow. The prioritisation needs to be settled. We have to get together to communicate about [yadda yadda management jargon yadda].
Me: The prioritisation is settled. He just needs to communicate [blah blah blah tactful dancing around the issue blah].
Initiative Manager’s Boss: [sings Chic’s biggest hit at me]
 * Later *
Business Guy: Shut up. Just do not speak to people.
Me: Right. Sorry. So, can you please communicate with the app managers?
Business Guy: Frak off.

 

Conversation 2
Initiative Manager: Sars, I need you confirm with BG that he will support [blah blah blah].
Me (thinking, that seems weird): BG, IM asked me to ask you to confirm that you’ll support this.
BG: No, frak her. Tell her there’s no frakking way.
Me (to IM): I’m sorry, perhaps I’m confused. You asked me to confirm with BG that he could support this. But what exactly is it that you want him to do?
IM: No! Everybody knows that’s not his job. You cannot go bothering him with this. I told you to ask each of the individual app managers if they could support this.

 

Conversation 3
Me (to app managers): Please could each of you confirm that you can support this.
App managers (collectively): Frak off. That’s not our job. Go talk to the people in Capacity Planning.