Touching

So, this whole sex thing... So far I have to say... Not a fan.

I'm sure I've heard people say good things about sex. Somewhere or other... But thus far, my experiences of it have been simultaneously boring and painful.

Okay, so the painful has been decreasing over time. Sadly, the boring has been doing the opposite.

I haven't managed to break up with my SGN yet. Dont be too hard on him when I say he's not attracted to me. As I've said before, I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. And that's what he feels like: a friend.

The thing is, as much as I'm not enjoying the sex, I'm not ready to go back to doing without. I've become really attached to all the things that go along with sex.

I went a long, long time not just without sex, but without any sort of physical contact or affection. I don't want to do that again. I don't really like who I become when my life is like that. And that's what I mean when I say bad sex is better than no sex.

I'm not a one-night-stand sort of girl. I don't form attachments easily. Hell, it's rare I meet people at all. If I end things with him, I have to start all over again.

And, well, there's still Mulder. We spend a ridiculous amount of time flirting (long-distance flirting, but flirting nonetheless). He has said that whether or not anything actually happens between us is up to me. But it'll be at least a few months before we see each other again.

I'm actually at the hair salon as I write this. And as nice as it is to be fussed and fawned over, it's just not the same as having somebody who touches you simply because you're within reach, because you're you.

Comments

[kamel]

I'm ready to do sex with you

[Zillah]

I've only just found your blog while browsing around a few blogs on the sidebar at Figleaf's Real Adult Sex, and I have no idea how your life has changed since your last update here, but I hope you won't mind if I share a few thoughts about your last couple of entries.

First of all, your SGN sounds like a real jerk. I'm not saying this because he isn't attracted to you, I'm saying this because of what you describe of his behaviour to you. You say he feels like a friend, but friends don't make disparaging comments about friends' weights and then pretend that they're jokes. Friends don't make jokes about their friends' breast size that leave their friends feeling insulted. And you've said yourself that he never makes any positive comments about you; all he does is make you feel bad about yourself. No matter how sarcastic, grumpy, or nerdy he is, there's no way that these traits can excuse him for being so awful to you.

There is a horrible person in this equation, but you're not it. He is.

Second, I can sort of sympathize with your sentiment that bad sex is better than no sex, since I'm having a dry spell that doesn't show signs of lifting any time soon. As much as a lot of us humans try to deny it sometimes, most of us are very tactile creatures and we need to touch and be touched in order to feel...well, pretty much anything, really. It seems to be ingrained; babies who aren't cuddled and rocked, but whose needs are otherwise seen to, will sometimes fail to thrive because they need to be touched and they need to feel loved. But this isn't just bad sex that you're describing. This is bad sex with someone who, even if you think he helped give you back your self-confidence, is tearing you right back down again with his rudeness and his coldness. You deserve so much more than this.

I hope that things have improved for you since you last posted at this blog. If not, then I hope that you manage to figure out how to improve them, because you deserve (and I suspect that you actually need) a better deal than you're currently getting.