So, I guess this is the sexy update. Except it's not sexy at all.
My SGN can now get part way inside — at least some of the time. He still can't get all the way in. But that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of our combined sexual issues.
It doesn't help that frequently he can't actually achieve an erection. At all. I maintain that this is because he's simply not attracted to me. I mean, he jokes all the time about how fat I am. It's a joke — I get it. I wouldn't be bothered by it in the slightest if he ever made any positive comments about me — you know, physically. But those are generally the only comments he makes.
We were walking past a lingerie shop. I decided to go in, and as they happened to have stuff in my size I tried some on. I commented afterwards that I had thought I was between a 32C and a 32D. But the woman in the shop said that actually I was somewhere between a 32D, a 30D and a 30DD. He laughed and said, 'I don't think so. No way are you a D'.
Which sort of implies he thinks I'm both fat and flat... Which doesn't make me feel any better...
Anyways, when he does get it up, well... He goes on and on and on... Until eventually I get bored and start talking, thereby killing the mood.
We are good friends. And I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. But to be honest, that's all we are.
If I break up with him now, he will think it's because of his failures as a man — because that's how he sees the problem...
And the truth is, I'm afraid that if I break up with him, I will go back to how I was before this all got started — sexless. Not just not having sex, but completely removed from all things sexual. Completely isolated in my mighty fortress of self-imposed exile from intimacy of all sorts.
And that's not a good thing.
As much as I honestly believe he's just not attracted to me, he is the reason I now believe I can be attractive. He gave me back the self confidence I lost so long ago.
It was Mulder who made me realise I didn't have to settle for the first offer that came along. But then there's a whole 'nother update to come on that particular topic. And it won't have a happy ending either.
In a nutshell, I'm torn.