The 30-year-old virgin

Touching

So, this whole sex thing... So far I have to say... Not a fan.

I'm sure I've heard people say good things about sex. Somewhere or other... But thus far, my experiences of it have been simultaneously boring and painful.

Okay, so the painful has been decreasing over time. Sadly, the boring has been doing the opposite.

I haven't managed to break up with my SGN yet. Dont be too hard on him when I say he's not attracted to me. As I've said before, I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. And that's what he feels like: a friend.

The thing is, as much as I'm not enjoying the sex, I'm not ready to go back to doing without. I've become really attached to all the things that go along with sex.

I went a long, long time not just without sex, but without any sort of physical contact or affection. I don't want to do that again. I don't really like who I become when my life is like that. And that's what I mean when I say bad sex is better than no sex.

I'm not a one-night-stand sort of girl. I don't form attachments easily. Hell, it's rare I meet people at all. If I end things with him, I have to start all over again.

And, well, there's still Mulder. We spend a ridiculous amount of time flirting (long-distance flirting, but flirting nonetheless). He has said that whether or not anything actually happens between us is up to me. But it'll be at least a few months before we see each other again.

I'm actually at the hair salon as I write this. And as nice as it is to be fussed and fawned over, it's just not the same as having somebody who touches you simply because you're within reach, because you're you.

The sexy update

So, I guess this is the sexy update. Except it's not sexy at all.

My SGN can now get part way inside — at least some of the time. He still can't get all the way in. But that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of our combined sexual issues.

It doesn't help that frequently he can't actually achieve an erection. At all. I maintain that this is because he's simply not attracted to me. I mean, he jokes all the time about how fat I am. It's a joke — I get it. I wouldn't be bothered by it in the slightest if he ever made any positive comments about me — you know, physically. But those are generally the only comments he makes.

Except yesterday...

We were walking past a lingerie shop. I decided to go in, and as they happened to have stuff in my size I tried some on. I commented afterwards that I had thought I was between a 32C and a 32D. But the woman in the shop said that actually I was somewhere between a 32D, a 30D and a 30DD. He laughed and said, 'I don't think so. No way are you a D'.

Which sort of implies he thinks I'm both fat and flat... Which doesn't make me feel any better...

Anyways, when he does get it up, well... He goes on and on and on... Until eventually I get bored and start talking, thereby killing the mood.

We are good friends. And I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. But to be honest, that's all we are.

If I break up with him now, he will think it's because of his failures as a man — because that's how he sees the problem...

And the truth is, I'm afraid that if I break up with him, I will go back to how I was before this all got started — sexless. Not just not having sex, but completely removed from all things sexual. Completely isolated in my mighty fortress of self-imposed exile from intimacy of all sorts.

And that's not a good thing.

As much as I honestly believe he's just not attracted to me, he is the reason I now believe I can be attractive. He gave me back the self confidence I lost so long ago.

It was Mulder who made me realise I didn't have to settle for the first offer that came along. But then there's a whole 'nother update to come on that particular topic. And it won't have a happy ending either.

In a nutshell, I'm torn.

Shame

I said it out loud tonight. It's a terrible thing to say. It may be true, but it's no less awful for it.

Bad sex is better than no sex.

Worse still, I cited it as the reason I'm still with my SGN. I am a terrible person, but it's true.