The art of seduction (and its opposite)

I have this friend who's amazingly good with all the non-verbal forms of communication and the art of seduction. She maintains just the right amount of eye contact, and lets her eyes wander over a person's face just a little bit. Her body language is open and inviting. She touches people just enough to be alluring, but not so much as to seem cloying or desperate. She participates in the conversation and offers her own thoughts and opinions, but spends more time encouraging the other person to talk. She smiles, but not too much. She turns her whole body to face the person she's speaking to, and leans ever so slightly towards them.

Of course, all this goes out the window if she's actually interested in a guy. But that's beside the point... Or maybe it is the point. I don't know.

I've always felt very self conscious when I'm around her. Well, no, not when it's just the two of us. But when we're in a group, I can't help but be aware of the fact that I'm weird and awkward and loud and abrasive. And all eyes are on her.

This weekend we were at a dinner party. The guy I wrote about in my last post was there. I've mentioned to him several times how every guy seems to fall for this girl (a mutual friend has been in love with her for six years). He's always said that — based on the one time he met her — he didn't understand the appeal. Of course, the one time he met her was the first time he met me. She didn't spend much time focussed on him, as he was talking to me.

The second time they met it was a different story... I can now add his name to the (rather lengthy) list of guys I've known who've fallen for her.

At first I was annoyed with her. Couldn't she have at least sent out some 'not interested' signals?

'Signals', she asked. 'I don't send out any signals'. She said she couldn't stand the guy. All she had done was be polite to him, and she had only done that as a favour to me, because she knew he was my friend.

I wanted to explain about body language and subtle nuances of communication. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised it wouldn't make any difference. I could try to copy her behaviours in the hopes of luring a man, but it wouldn't be real. That's not me. A man who wants to get to know me has to see past the surface. And it works the other way too. Should she try to mimic my body language to stop being so alluring?

I am what I am. She is what she is. I've got no admirers. She's got a trail of admirers, none of whom she's interested in. In the end, does it really make a difference when we both go home alone?

 

Comments

[figleaf]

Hey, who says you have no admirers? Ok, I'll admit there are the small matters of age, geography, and relationship status. Not that those have any bearing on whether or not I admire you. (Whether you might admire me in return is also beside the point. Admirability almost by definition doesn't require reciprocation to function.)

Point being that I'm... pretty sure I'm not so unique as to be the only one who possibly could. There are more. Considerably closer ones. You probably know several.

I know that's not very helpful. This might be more so: the trick isn't figuring out how to moderate being loud, or abrasive, or one of the other things you think are problems for other people. I think the trick you need to work on is noticing the people who do admire you instead of those who probably won't.

Still thinking about you.

figleaf

[NateTheNerd]

I know what you mean! I want to learn the art of seduction, and I believe that this is indeed possible, but I still want to be me. Telling some canned story that never happened just wouldn't work for me.

That being said, I think the concept of "self" is a lot more fluid than most people think. I've always been the shy nerdy guy, but I know people in real life who used to be that way and are now very social and outgoing. If they figured out a way to do it, then I figure so can I. I can experiment with different styles/personas until I find one that clicks for me. It's at least better than trying the same thing over and over again and always getting the same result, no?

So I'm optimistic that a person can learn the art of pickup and change their bad habits to become a better self. Not a pretend self, but a better version of your true self. One that people can actually see (because while what's on the inside is great, it does you no good if people can't actually see it).

-- NateTheNerd