The writers meant their words to be encouraging. For me, though, the words came as... I don't know. I can't find the word to finish that sentence. What they wrote cemented my feelings of distance, of alienation, of un-belonging.
They wrote to encourage the single women of the church to avoid getting involved with non-Christian men. They wrote messages of hope that the 'right man' would come along.
And this was my response...
I am so incredibly frustrated by this whole topic. I don't say that because I disagree with you. Not at all. And I don't begrudge you your views, your experiences, or your life. In theory, I know that you are speaking the truth. I know it. I believe it.
It's just, well... I'm a jug of milk. And I'm getting near my expiry date. I've already been reduced for quick sale. Pretty soon, I'm headed down the drain.
Jesus Christ, whom we [Note: 'we' in this case refers to the members of the church, so if that's not you, I'm not interested in your arguments] all agree was completely, absolutely, totally sinless, lived on this earth for 33 years. Given the Bible's view of promiscuity, I can accept that he was celibate for all that time.
Me? I am as far from perfect as possible. And if God asked only 33 years of chastity from his perfect son, then I don't see how he can possibly expect me to give more. So when I say I'm expiring, what I really mean is that my faith is slowly expiring. Best before June 2007.
I really don't like that I feel this way, but I do. If I didn't believe in Jesus, I would presumably still be single. Maybe. Most likely. But I'd be having sex.
Instead, I go to bed alone night after night, while my faith in the God who demands this of me gradually fades away.
No Christian man in his right mind is going to marry me. They just aren't programmed that way. I terrify the Christian boys. So when you all tell me to stay away from the ones who aren't, well... You've pretty much exhausted the entire male species right there. That's not a future I want to face.
I'm strong, but I'm not that strong.