About the Virgin

  • me
    I'm in my 30s and I'm still a virgin. These are my stories.
  • also me
    Sometimes I'm funny. Who wouldn't be with all this pent-up energy?

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Thursday, 14 September 2006

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Condecending? Patronizing? The oh so easy thing to say when you've been married since you threw your cap in the air at graduation and have no idea how to live without your husband? The words that insinuate you aren't quite up to 'snuff'. Incomplete.

Heard it. Heard it all. Someday's I want to strangle those people and other days it is one of my best friends so I give them an inch knowing they want the best for me.

If something like that ever came up on my church's forum I'd quit that forum...wait, I already did.

I like your answer a lot. I don't understand it either. Something about life not being fair comes to mind. Crap. I don't 'feel' that call to celibacy.

How do you terrify these Christian boys?

I hadn't thought of the 33-year expiry on chastity. That's an interesting analogy.

I am way past due, but I don't feel spoiled yet. I wish someone would spoil me.

The most frequent place I've felt devalued has been at church. The most annoying comment: "You should be married." or "Why aren't you married?" ?? They already know my marital status. Do they think they are being helpful? huh? Oh, please, let's discuss my love life in the foyer. please.

oops. I think I passed my expiry date. My views on Christianity and sex are Not The Same as they were 5 years ago. I'm actually contemplating having sex before marriage. (gasp)

I read something recently about a guy who theorized that sex, religion, and morality (views on) were all interconnected. And what you thought about one influced the others, but it wasn't necesarily a clean, one-direction thing. I wish I could remember his name, because I'd like to read more. I though- "That's me!" As my understanding / perspective on sex changed, I found my view of religion changing as well.

That said, I certainly don't feel like I KNOW what I believe anymore. It's in flux, changing, refining, and not fundametalistic at all.

(rambling, I'll stop now)

i have been a catholic since i was born, though since i started living on my own(21) my church appearances are rare. my church doesn't have a forum that i know about, and i don't think that too many people are close enough to know about eachother sex lives.

personnally, my beliefs have changed quite drastically from what they were. i use to go to church every sunday. i use to be an altarboy. and before that i went to st john elementary school, singing and reading and all that fun stuff in front of hundreds of people(which i can't do now for some reason). presently, i have many beliefs, and my own set of values. though i don't say i belong to any specific religion, even though i still go to church on occasion, when my mom asks me to usually.

well enough about my spirituality...i like what had to say, and visit once in a while to read what an intellectual virgin has to say. though i'm not a woman, and i'm only 25, i agree with everything you say, and look forward to future reads.

oh, and i too am curious how you scare young christian boys?

From a former christian (good) girl.

I was the proverbial good christian girl. I met a good christian boy. We had a good christian relationship. We had a good christian marriage (from the outside).

None of this means we were meant for each other. This pressure to 'find a good christian man' and get married is unrealistic and bad advice. I thought because I followed all the rules there was no way my marriage could fail. I was wrong. Communication failed, sex failed, my faith failed. Now I'm divorced, but I'm having sex, and I'm happy.

Just because you follow all the rules doesn't mean anyone is going to step in and care about you, or what you want. You have to do that for yourself.

Once, two little boys were running home for dinner. They were late and they debated cutting across a field to get home quicker so as not to get in trouble. Deciding this was the best alternative, they started to cut across the field. When they were about half way across a bull in the field started to charge them. One little boy turned to the other and said,"should we stop and pray?" The other little boy said, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to run and pray!"

You can't sit around waiting for faith, or love, or sex to be blessed upon you. Sometimes you have to run and pray.

That was a great reply, I'm dying to know what the responses were like.

I am so glad I stumbled across this blog. And this post. Let's see, how can I respond without writing a book?

I am a 39 year-old Christian virgin. Not only have I never had sex, but, until recently, I had never been on a date.

For the past 5 months, I have been dating a non-Christian man. To say that my very conservative, Christian friends are not happy would be an understatement. But the Christian guys were not knocking down my door and when I found someone that seemed like a soulmate and treated me like a queen, I couldn't turn him away.

I'll admit that I struggle sometimes with whether I am doing the right thing but for now this is the path I am on.

Feel free to email me if you want to know more.

I stumbled upon this site by "accident". I am a Christian male, saved 12 years now, 30 yrs old...and still a virgin. I am incredibly encouraged that someone out there knows what I"m going through! Thanks for hanging in there; I do not agree with your statement "no Christian man in his right mind would want me". Alot of Christian men, who still believe in any sort of values, look for exactly that!

Keep trusting in God and thanks, again, for being an example,

Jonnathan

Well if you're going to throw in the towel if you'll excuse the pun then please let us know how you get on do you hear? Maybe you could find a virgin man if you can find them, but us virgin men need to know when you find someone and how about putting a picture up when you find your man with him, hmmm? Either way I hope you find.

Wow. Honest but true. Im glad you responded that way. Im not Christian in the sense but Catholic - I know there are some differences but the main thing is Jesus and similar preachings. Its sad to say, but the church should not exclude women from meeting non-christian men. I mean, in Jesus's life, wasnt he accepting of all people? And I mean they (both Christians and Catholics) want to spread the teachings of Jesus and his virtues - why only amoung those that already found Him? I have cousins who grew up strict Irish American Catholic - and they married non-catholic people. Point is - sometimes the teachings of Religions are partly human teachings and not all directly from Jesus. It is a sad scary world out there - we have to be realistic though. I think what is important is your own personal faith.

You've got to be kidding.. "No Christian man in his right mind is going to marry you". I am a Christian man (who is in his right mind, at least I think so) who has held out for many years from being married for this one reason. Many women would marry me but virginity is and will always be extremely important to me.
By the way.. how exactly do you terrify these Christian boys?

Hello. I guess you could say I 'stumbled across' this interesting website. I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement. I turn 30 this year, and I am still a virgin. I, like a lot of you, long to be married one day and have children. Even though I'm a virgin, I still have sex cravings, and look forward to the day I can present my body to my husband on our wedding night as a gift to him. However, if Jesus decides to return before I marry, I won't be thinking about marriage then. What motivates me to remain a virgin until marriage is knowing that my lifestyle pleases God and is a testimony to others that it IS possible to allow God to keep you in today's seemingly sex driven society. I am the author of the novel, "He's Fine...But is He Saved?" and I speak at youth events, high schools, and singles groups in order to encourage them to stay strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. It is only His power, and not my own, which gives me the strength to remain a virgin until marriage, and gives me the inward peace and joy which comes from knowing that my lifestyle pleases Him.
www.KimontheWeb.com

I am sorry to hear so much pain in your post. Perhaps I should respond on point, and in context. SWM, 47, believer, not a 'Christian' (and there is a difference), and, dare I say it? A VIRGIN !!!

My 'don't list' is much like yours, only I have to say I have one more debilitating conviction. I shall not date, or marry a divorced woman.

I refuse to believe your life is defined by the lack of sex or children within your marriage, and I especially find your waiting until now to set a do or die deadline for the Almighty regarding your sex life puzzling.

I have no such deadline, yet I find my own options for children remote, and I feel your pain. My sister, the ministers' wife, has a long marriage with 8 children, mostly home schooled. I always wanted many children, and yet at 47 I have exactly zero. I also know that I have no unknown children, though.

My own neediness leads me invariably into destructive infatuations. I suggest you endeavor to avoid these emoptional catastrophies completely. You do not deserve, nor want this pain.

Hold the course, as it is the best thing you will ever do. I can only assure you that you are in the best place you could be. Descending into affairs, sexual conquests, and intimacy-less relationships of whatever duration is more pain than you imagine. I work with piles of such people. I have many worldly, carnal friends whose shattered lives, and those of their children are not appealing to me or to you at all.
Please email me, and lets talk.

I'm 21, a university student, and Christian (not Catholic), all my life. My family is all super involved in the church, and I made the decision to remain a virgin until marriage. But just recently I broke that vow and now I feel so guilty and pained by it that I can hardly think of anything else. While I'm encouraged that there are many people out there still virgin, I am discouraged to know that I'm no longer part of that club and I desperately want to be. It was an accident and a mistake and I didn't even know it COULD happen without me knowing explicitly what was going on. I feel ashamed and I can't talk about it with anyone I know because I feel like they'd be disappointed in me. Frankly I wouldn't blame them. God will not give you a test you cannot pass, and if this is to test you, it is to make you stronger. I failed. You didn't! You should be proud of yourself, it's not easy. You are strong and beautiful, do not be discouraged! :)

Let me start by saying that I loved your post. You are an interesting writer, and I was inspired by your brutal honesty with fellow members of your church.
The "Why haven't you ever been married?" questions frustrate me, too. I never know how to answer them. I am sympathetic to your feelings of "expiry," and I understand what you mean about scaring Christian men away (not sure why other posters didn't understand that comment).
I am a 31-year-old virgin and follower of Jesus Christ. My virginity never "bothered" me until I graduated college. Graduation was a kind of "virginity benchmark" for me. Every year that has ticked by since then has made me more depressed, angrier and, for reasons I am unsure of, more self-deprecating. The longer my faith obliges me to "hold out," the less self-confident I feel about my looks and my body image. I am not sure why my brain is making a connection like that. Men don't turn me down because of my body or my looks. I just don't, good Christian girl that I am, make myself available to them. But my brain forces a connection anyway.
But enough about me. What I really wanted tell you is that if you struggle with this issue as I do, there aren't any easy answers. No one is going to come up with a "magic response" to your struggles. No book on purity is going to present enough logical points
about why you should maintain your virginity to convince you that purity is the best way to go. We are all aware of the "logical" reasons, like the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STD's. And yet even as informed Christians, part of us still wants sex anyway.
All I can say is that society *does* stigmatize virgins, and maintaining one's virginity *does* suck in many ways. And yet the Lord has called us to be pure. It's as much a part of being a Christian as going to church and tithing.
I would strongly advise you not to become romantic or intimate with an unbeliever. Once you have crossed from "death to life," why would you even consider becoming intimate with someone still "dead" in their sins?
A Christian is someone who has been called apart from the world, and that includes the world's pleasures...even something as "natural" as sex. In the end, I choose to remain a virgin because God "said so." (Well...that and the fact that I am somewhat overweight and want to lose my gut before presenting myself to a man...otherwise the experience will just be humiliating for me).
Best of luck to you and I'll pray for you today.

yeah im a 19 year old virgin. ive had my chance a couple of times to have sex but i said no cos i thought it was the right thing to do ie wait till marriage.
But im having second thoughts. there is no guarantee you will get married, and even though im still young this waiting thing just makes you depressed. So i say the hell with it.
its ridiculously hard to maintain a relatinship with restrictions on the physical intimacy.
Anyway, the whole 'waiting' thing might make a christian rush into a marriage just cos they want to have sex. It should not be a factor in regard to getting married. Then you get all these christians marrying way too young before theyre ready for that committment. what does everybody else think?

Personally, I don't think that religion should ever dictate happiness. Is your God really so vengful as too turn his back on your for not being a virgin when married? I'm pretty sure God has way better things to worry about. There is nothing wrong with sex, its natural. Waiting for marriage is unrealistic for most people. Also, I feel that many many people rush into marriage with someone because they want to have sex with them, and they dont get to know the person well enough. Marriage is a big big deal, a much bigger deal than sex. Sex, when treated with respect and with a long term partner is not a sin, its not evil and I don't think you'll go to hell if you have it. But what do I know? i'm a Jew.

I find this discussion quite interesting, and have thought about it myself….I am 23 and still a virgin (a male virgin)… I never cared that I was a virgin until I met the coolest girl ever, and started liking her a whole lot…she was even a Christian, but had only be so for 8 months. Her past was a nightmare to me! It tortured me so much that I finally had to break up with her. I was crushed, and I didn’t think I would ever recover because everything in my mind was ruined. I didn’t think true love could exist any more because it was ruined by somebody’s past. I have struggle because I thought I was weak and I have thought that my one chance at love is now gone, but I am till holding out hope that I will be rewarded by God for my decision! I think about how I felt when I found out about her past and don’t want to make any girl feel the same way I did. If sex is reduced to a casual encounter and something you do with several people in your life the expression becomes less and less significant! I know our culture would call a 40 year old virgin a lame individual, but I have a lot of respect for people who wait that long!! My goal is that my trust in God would be enough to satisfy me even if I didn’t have sex for the rest of my life. To me, this sounds pretty impossible, because I want that kind of relationship. Even my though my thoughts are not always pure, I really long to save sex for one person, and I hope to find a mate that thinks the same way.

I am a 24year old virgin. I don't have sex because God in his word instructs me to flee fornication. Sex before marriage is a sin and so i dont want to disobey God and it's also the right thing to do. It's not true that christian man wouldnt want you, you are merely making an excuse for wanting to date worldy man. The bible instructs us to put God first in our lives and He will provide us with all that we need. If you want to get married dont worry about anything, act on the Word of God, become committed to God and He will give you what you need. You must let the Holy Spirit direct your life and you will not satisfy the desires of the flesh. Dont make the mistake of dating sinners if you are a christian, the bible strictly tells us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers for it cannot be done. As a christian, you live by the Word of God, when you live an ungodly life, you live like sinners. Do what the Word says and all will go well for you. The bible says, whatever you desire when you pray,believe that you receive it and you shall have it. Do u desire to get married? Then pray for a husband and believe you receive him and you will have him. You are not expiring, dont talk like that as a child of God. You have hope,there4 talk positively. I am living for God not for merely waiting not to have sex until I marry,that will just frustrate me at the end. I am doing what the Word of God says and not worrying or doubting whether I'll get married or not. I walk by faith and not by sight. For me to live is Christ.

I see that you haven't posted on your blog in quite a while, and I am curious if you are still reading your comments? I would love to know how you are doing now, more than a year after having written this post. Do you still feel like you're at/past your expiration date? Have you decided to make some lifestyle changes? I myself, am a presently 30-year old virgin, and I can tell you that the things I've read here ring pretty true. I'd love to hear whatever you'd be willing to share. please feel free to email me, should you happen to see this.
thanks,

I am a 28 year old male Virgin and with God's direction I met a Virgin too, who is 9 months older than me. We had unknown to ourselves been keeping each other even in the face of the sex driven world around us, and God brought us together.
The bottom line is that there nothing God cannot do. whoever told me I'd be marrying someone older than me I'd have rebuked. But now am happy, excited and grateful to God, knowing He always had a great plan 4 Us all along. That's my encouragement to U Sis, If U havent still married, pls Keep looking up to Him, He'll give U Your own husband in the fold, irrespective of the age and You'll be happy.

.
RELATED LINK:

http://www.christianforums.com/t7450058-9/#post54843789

.

Halo! 0=D
I'm JaiMe, and I'm 23 years young. And I'm still a virgin. I want to give all of my heart to my true love on my wedding day and I write love letters to him that I will give him when we get married. I also have a very special antique skeleton key that I call the key to my heart. And I will give that to him someday as well. I don't date because I don't want to waste my time with the wrong guys. But I want with all of my heart for God to bring the right guy into my life. Sometimes I forget because not surrounded by people that feel this way... But God is writing my Love Story! And I pray with all of my heart that my True Love loves Jesus and puts Him first above all and I have always hoped and prayed he would be waiting for me too. I've been discouraged lately, because I'm full of love to give only to him... But I know more than anything the wait is worth it. So, everyone feeling discouraged, hang in there! I'm so encouraged to see this many people waiting like me. I pray that God keeps all of you and myself strong! And fills us with patience! The right one WILL love you for waiting for them.

This is an interesting discussion.

I admire and respect many of you "older" virgins in your 20s and 30s.
You have the strength I didn't.

Lost my virginity in HS @17, wayyyyyyy too early and my biggest life regret.

Became a Christian a year later in college. Tried to "redeem" myself by living like a semi-virgin or "reborn virgin" through most of my 20s, except for 2 separate casual incidents @26.

Admit those were wrong, but like some of you, let my frustrations and expectations get the better of me and fell to two temptations, which I also deeply regret.

Was disappointed.
Here I'd "done all the right things...." Treated women well, didn't press them for sex, was a "Good Guy" who cared about their feelings, only to see many women ignored me, wouldn't go out with me, and for the life of me, couldn't find a decent Christian woman.

Thought God had "forgotten" about me, as here I was @30 with few relationships to speak of. And alone.

Turns out, just 3 mos. after turning 30, met my future wife through a blind date set up by a mutual friend.

Can't say I focused on dating Christian women in my late 20s. Was kinda burned out and dated to find a life mate.
However, God did see to my needs.

In my early 20s, as a new believer, wanted to date (and marry) a
"....godly, Christian virgin woman..."
That was a preference, not a "requirement."

Since learned a woman can be the first 2 without being the last.

If you fall in love with someone who's not a virgin, but someone who clearly regrets their past, please don't hold it against them.

Outwardly, you couldn't tell I wasn't a virgin.
And unfortunately, virgins become fewer and far between as the years go on.

A 30 y.o. virgin I dated @26, she literally came to tears when I told her all of my "experience" - 3-4X in HS & all of 2X 19-30.....

The woman I married (she was in her 30s) lost her virginity to a former fiance after engagement in her early 20s years before we met.
Other women thought the guy loved her so gave it up, only to find he was a jerk.

They're more picky now and don't have sex with just anyone. My future wife only had that one former fiance. Though she dated, she didn't have sex for like 10 years after.

There are many of us like those-- we're not virgins but haven't had much sex, so we're "Good Guys" and "Good Girls" too....

I would never recommend someone get sexually involved outside of marriage.
And please, if possible, try to date Christians.

So I can understand not all can wait, and I really wish I had waited.

I too find it hard to believe "no Christian man" will date the OP of this blog. We are out there and we are looking for women like you.

groupspostings@yahoo.com


This was an interesting post to read. My church doesn't recommend that we find other Christian singles to date, but I do think doing so would be beneficial to a Christian individual. It's very hard to want to continue to pursue a person as more than a friend if you know your beliefs are completely different and they are not living the Lord's will. Although I don't think anyone should be discriminated against because happiness can come in all shapes, sizes and forms, I do believe it would be better to wait for that " right match " if you are a Christian looking to engage with another Christian.

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