About the Virgin

  • me
    I'm in my 30s and I'm still a virgin. These are my stories.
  • also me
    Sometimes I'm funny. Who wouldn't be with all this pent-up energy?

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Sunday, 16 April 2006

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I'm with you V - 30ish year old virgin.

Why? Primary reason = Christianity and not married. Secondary reason = fear of people, hard time opening up and developing relationships.

I don't regret it, and I'm not ashamed. I am a bit of an anomaly with my current kinky-poly friends, and I think they're polite and respectful; and quite unable to comprehend it. But I do feel a bit of the "odd one out" syndrom.

I also wonder about future romantic relationships - I don't fit in the straitlaced viginal Christian crowd anymore; but as a virgin I'm not really in sync with the alternative sexuality sex positive crowd either. How am I going to find someone who "gets" me?

A couple of thoughts on this.... I waited until I was 23 - longer than average but maybe not terribly unusual. I'm sure this was somehow related to my southern baptist, just-say-no-to-anything-fun upbringing, though I would have strenously denied it at the time. In retrospect, I think it was also partly a reflection of watching my sister, who slept with too many people too fast and never seemed the happier for it. but I told myself then that I wanted the first person to matter. and he did, absolutely - he was someone I knew would never intentionally hurt me. and he didn't. interestingly, however, the sex itself was not all that great, which was maybe part of the downfall of us (is this all there is, I remember thinking), and I often wonder how my sexuality would be different had I slept with the sexy older guy I dated the summer before???? worse off emotionally, I suspect, but perhaps I would have gotten the appreciation of sex (that I now have) a little sooner?

as a kid i never wanted kids and this has followed me on.
since birth control is not 100% fool proof the possibility of pregnancy was too huge of a risk as a teen and into my twenties.
then, and now, I didn't just want to 'do it' with anyone at that came along. i watched friends go through guys and that held no appeal.
now i'm older and there's minimal embarrassment(it seems ridiculous to have gone this long)only in the sense of how the heck do you explain this? i feel like a bit of a freak but no one has ever said that to me- it's all in my own mind.
i can't regret it as i do not know anything different. i just don't want to stay this way forever. i mean come on already!!

I was 21 when I lost my virginity. It was with a friend/ex-girlfriend, from church nonetheless, who was a little younger but more experienced than I was at the time. I'm not really sure why I waited so long. Partly out of the Southern-Baptist-fear-of-God upbringing, but also because I was so freaking naive. Looking back I can remember a few opportunities that I was just too naive to recognize. But even if I had caught the hints I don't know that I would have done anything about it. I married the second girl I slept with, and she is wonderful, but we aren't really very compatible sexually. Sex and relationships are so complicated and I don't know that I was mature enough to appreciate either when I got married. I totally understand what you are saying about not being "christian guy material". I didn't realize it at the time but I fell somewhere between the "good christians" and the "partyers". I would rather go to a keg party than sit home reading my bible, but I wasn't interested in sleeping around. Those things are so opposite that it's hard to find someone else that can appreciate both. I have wondered,like ggbp, what life would be like if I had done things differently.
I just realized how long this was getting, sorry for rambling.

There are very few people in this day and age who would prefer just to sit home 'reading the Bible' rather than doing something else. We've got fewer and fewer people who read for pleasure or outside of the classroom as it is. Sure, there are fine and useful fellowship groups to be had in many communities, but we'd also need to operate within a wider range of humanity than just with a small group of people whom we agree with or who we have grown up with.

Be that as it may, you can certainly be a good 'christian' and enjoy a healthy sex life. The fact that certain sects that actively impede accurate self knowledge and seem specifically designed to thwart this happy ideal is a tragedy not only for our age, but one that would have been unfortunately very familiar to our Victorian ancestors.

Folks, this is the 21st century. If all your churches are teaching you is the 'Don't!!!' message, then how on earth do they expect you to reverse the years of negative conditioning when you are an adult, or married, and are still wondering and searching about how to find simple satisfaction with your chosen partner? It's amazing really. These are the very same questions the Victorians struggled with.

I think this then feeds into problems of dating and the 'proper and useful' role of 'courtship' and in developing loving or caring relationships with others. This need not be overly complex stuff, but it's something that is almost wholly missing from many ministries and indeed schools. Sure, Dobson has some ridiculous proscriptions on this score, but most are fairly unrealistic and very difficult to even attempt in a real world environment. And they know this. What they mean and what they say are two different things. (What they actually do is far far short from their stated ideals as well).

Still, these are also important life skills that can and will certainly follow you on the job and into your home. Years from now, how you relate to your peers may determine if you get that promotion, a raise, or if you get that paper published in the law review or academic journal. We can be taught to be virtuous, and know what is good and proper in many areas of ethics and moral behavior, and still not have a clue of how to behave 'normally' with common peers.

Now most will insist that you really don't care to be 'normal'. Few would care to argue the point. But it really does matter in places where you want it to matter. Getting your husband or wife to understand you and to meet your needs or expectations in and out of the bedroom. Getting your kiddies to do something without thrashing them within an inch of their lives as your dad/mum did you, and their parents to them in turn.

It's about learning how to behave in certain social contexts and applying this in real life. Part of it comes in the great hurdle of trusting 'the other' with a precious piece of your soul and memory. Not everyone is trustworthy, but not all are unworthy of some trust. It's a difficult balance, and one that I fear many are unprepared to navigate for fear of failure or of rejection. These are real fears and they need to be overcome, but no knight in shining armor will be by to do it for you. And even if by some miracle they do happen by, they don't stay that way for long.

For myself, it took longer than most, and I had to process some of the above to manage it. It took a diligent search too, and this in the days before I could call up a search of the net for likely prospects. The best advice I can give you is to keep trying and to get lucky early. Because none of this gets any easier with age. But fear not, upwards of 80-90% of us will get married in our lifetimes. Sometimes this happens early, sometimes this happens late. At all times this can and should be a blessing.

Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

Uh, I was going to write something thought-provoking, but after reading the last comment I completely forgot what we're even talking about.

Thursday? 42? Red? I don't even know what the question was. Oh, virginity. Yes, lost it after 18. I wanted to wait until marriage. God's plan. No, I don't regret it. I was not ashamed of it. The best thing was having a few friends with similar goals and interests. That made it much easier, since we could share struggles and stuff.

Granted, it's a little bit more difficult to find a peer group of 30-year old virgins.

Waited until I was married (27). Hey, I even enjoyed being engaged: eating dinner, working, doing laundry, getting sick, getting better, hanging out with friends or family--since for the most part that's what married life is like (except for the sex).

The day of my wedding, I woke up and realized, today is when I will know what IT is like. Best present I ever waited for!

Don't you love a good present? You shake it, lift it a couple of times, maybe you hold it to your face and breathe deeply--then you begin to remove the wrapper. Maybe you read the card, then you peel the ribbon off, then you try to open the covering. If you ask first, you are allowed to rip off the covering--or at least remove it in a hurry. I think slow is actually nicer. Sure, you're nervous, but don't let that bother you. So's the other one.

Then you get to figure out how it works. Don't worry, this is one present where you either don't have directions, or you ignore the directions.

You should regard your virginity as a gift to the person who will promise, in front of witnesses (and God), to never stray, to never touch another. You give this gift to your husband, so require this same gift from him.

Don't regret waiting for one moment.

VJ: Since I don't personally know Dobson or any of his cohorts I'll refrain from commenting on how they live their lives.

FTN: Ha. Glad to hear.

Joseph: Thanks for stopping by and thanks for sharing.

Oops! Thanks to the rest of you for sharing your experiences too. See, talking is good!

I was just shy. I finally lost my viginity at 23 while drunk, just to do it. I don't regret it, but it wasn't anything special. We were both just too drunk.

Since then, nothing. I was just glad to get rid of the self-imposed pressure. Now I just have a whatever attitude towards sex. If I tried to make it important to my life, it would just add stress. I have so much else to worry about that's more important right now.

I was a few months shy of 22. I wanted it to be with someone I cared about, rather than a random drunken frat boy. It wasn't great, then or after, with him, but we were both virgins and that made it feel special. No regrets about it at all, waiting, or choosing him, or any of it.

I waited until I was 26. When I was a teenager, I wanted to wait until marriage, when I was in college I wanted to wait until I was in love. Wellll, it wasn't love but it was the most physically attracted I'd ever been to anyone ever so I think it was worth the wait. But you should have heard the things people would say to me when I admitted to being a virgin after the age of, say, 20. I was called everything from a prude to a religious zealot. Haters, all of them. You know what's right for you. You waited this long already so why not hold out for something wonderful?

Steve: That really surprises me. Thanks.

KtP: That midly suprises me. Thanks for sharing.

Anon: True.

Hi, my name is [deleted]. I'm a successful music composer with a Ph.D and I'm so ashamed that I am 30 years old and still a virgin. I'm not unattractive but I just have a lot of female friends and most of them think I'm gay. When I tried to make love to a woman, I was so scared that I wasnt' able to perform (Erectile Dysfunction) and I've never tried since. Any advice. Should I just get a hooker and take some Viagra?

I never waanted to wait THIS long. It is just I never got together with a suitable partner, although everyone else I met, including my own family, already did so- some multiple times.

I have spoken to other people about not getting a girlfriend, but no one has been able to tell me how to get one even though they are in a relationship or had one in the past.

I have felt shame, inadequacy, isolation, rage, envy, despair, depression, and suicide because of this. Dying now would be much better than dying as an eighty-year-old virgin. I would kill myself if I ever concluded that there was no hope of getting rid of my virginity.

I bet I'm going to be the most odd and strangest on this board...

Well for the most part I am an 18 year old virgin, and have a wonderful boyfriend whom I care for more then anything. but the thing is, ist that I don't ever want to marry, and after having many issues from divorce and such, and I also don't want to have sex.
I know many of you might be thinking that I'm young, and that I'll change my thoughts about it...but your wrong. Even though I'm 18 and still young, I've had to grow up a lot since being around abuse, neglect, poverty, and various other issues. (no pity though, believe me, I've gotten stronger from all this:)
I'm not afraid to die as a "80 year old virgin" like Michael put it. In a way I know that I will enjoy being able to live that long and love living life without the pressures of sex. In a funny way I like to think that in my pastlife I was a prostitute, and that in this life I'm getting over all the sex that my body had to deal with just to suvive in that world. crazy huh?

Please take the post under my name off this message board. I googled my name and found this page. Someone posted it as a nasty prank. The contents are not true, and I have never heard of this blog before.

-[deleted]

I have nowhere else to 'confess'. I am a 'going to be thirty years old this year' female and I still haven't slept with a guy yet. I feel like a complete loser. I used to blame this on my weight but then I lost it was still afraid. Of what, I don't know. I don't drink. I wasn't sexually abused as a child. I have no explanation but fear. I'm working on the fear but I guess it'll still be a long time. I suppose I just don't want to become a thirty one or two year old virgin. That's it.

I'm 30 and still a virgin. In my teens I was too worried about STDs and pregnancy to even think about it beyond that. Plus I'm Catholic and maybe that played a part in it as well. In my early 20s, I wanted to wait until I was married. Then I thought that maybe not married but with someone I could have or did have a long-term relationship with. There was a guy in college and if he'd given me the slightest encouragement (unfortunately he only wanted to be friends) I probably wouldn't be a virgin still. I was upset that he didn't want me in that way. We're still friends. I think maybe I wanted to prove that someone wanted me even if he didn't. I went out, got very drunk and went home with this guy I'd met at this bar and that's the closest I came to having sex. I stopped him just before. Sort of came to my senses I guess. I was lucky b/c he stopped when I asked (even though he tried to pursuade to change my mind, he respectecd my wishes) and took me home. Since then I really want it to be with someone right, not just anyone, so I intend to wait until it feels right. Although I do feel ashamed of the almost one-night stand, I don't feel ashamed of my virginity or proud of it for that matter. It just is. It doesn't define me, it's just one of the facts about me. I don't publisize it but if asked directly, I wouldn't deny it.

Well I am 27 and still in the "no hope of losing my virginity anytime soon". There seems to be alot of social pressure surrounding the issue and certainly as you get older you gradually move more and more into the the freak category. However, I can say with certainty that I have always been a freak. So this is nothing new. People who meet me are astonished when they find out that I haven't even kissed a girl or done the innocent romantic things that so many take for granted.

I was never raised under any heavy religious pressure and I accept this situation as part of me. Number one reason: deep mistrust of others. Where it came from? Childhood mostly. I am quite sure and somewhat ashamed of myself for allowing certain individuals and experiences in my youth to effect me so much that it would ruin future social experiences. In fact as I have gotten older I feel less inclined to even consider long term relationships. What's the point? At the same time I know I am missing out on one of the biggest reasons to exist. No, not sexuality, but connection, deep connection emotionally and intellectually with another human being. I would even go so far as to say I am not sure I can find anyone as different socially as I am. The large disadvantage is that if I were to die now, who would miss me, other then close relatives who themselves will pass on and in the bat of an eye the sense of me is erased from history. I can now see that if I were to die today in an easy 10 years there would be no evidence of my existence.

This is certainly not something I had hoped for but it is the situation I find myself in today. The regret is I have touched so few lives and for that I am truely embarrased for myself. Sexuality is an accessory to social connection. I could easily find a hooker and lose my virginity today if I like but that puts us back to the question of what is the point?

I'm a 31 yr old female about to turn 32 next month and I'm still a virgin. I just haven't found a man that I trust or love enough to change that. I am not at all religious and I'm not not the "waiting till I get married" kind of woman. Plain and simple, I know I am the kind that must be in love in order to be that open to have sex. It does have its downside....until I lose my virginity, it is that elusive and unattainable mystery for me.

What I do know is that I know who I am as an individual and as a woman because I am not in a relationship. I do want love someday and know that without love, sex means nothing. I am tired of waiting, but I've wanted this long....what 's a little more. Although, the pent up sexual frustration is starting to cloud my mental faculties and sensibilities. I am, of course, human.

I just turned thirty in February. I'm a virgin. Does oral sex count?

I just turned thirty in February. I'm a virgin. Does oral sex count?

I am going to be 30 this year. Studying after quitting 5 jobs. Everyone around me is much younger and a non-virgin. I make fun of my situation but its really not funny. I am Hindu so lot can be explained by culture to people, but to myself, not so much. I am really not that religious, plus I dont think it has got anything to with God, since I am old enough to know better. I can't deny that it doesn't bother me. I am deeply convinced that I can't commit to a relationship but just getting sex should be easy. I however fnd that its not.

Male, almost 30, not religious, never even been kissed with everything that entails. Reasons? I guess there is nothing wrong with me as such. Extremely shy (but I'm improving), afraid to fail and be rejected for my inexperience, increasingly ashamed as time has progressed. Even when I do get to talk to a nice girl, I wouldn't know what to say or do to move on beyond a mere conversation. I do know on a rational level I am not the only one, but I often feel like "the last one on the block to know". I can still laugh at the whole thing though. There's more to life than that, right?

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