The eye of the beholder

What do you see?

I see an illusion.

Before I tackle the subject of nudity, and how I feel about it in various forms and contexts, I need to take on an even bigger topic: body image.

This picture was taken last night, and it really is me. I see it and I recognise that it looks good. I look good. But it's not real.

For starters, those breasts? I am pretty much titless. Put me in a really good bra and cover it up with a shirt. Voila! The illusion of tits.

And the legs? People like to think that long legs are sexy, but really... I look like a pair of walking chopsticks. My legs are long and way too skinny. But put me in the right pair of pants — snugly fitted at the top, flared at the bottom — and I give the impression of long, shapely legs.

The worst part, though... That nice flat stomach? It's kinda real. Sort of. I do have a small waist and very little fat. My stomach looks great — in this two-dimensional image. Something about the curvature of my spine or the way my lower body connects to my upper body is... I don't know... off. My abdomen protrudes in an entirely unnatractive way. This is how somebody with a flat little stomach gets asked all the time when she's due.

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. There are parts of it that I love and parts of it that I hate. Sometimes, they're even the same parts. I used to hate my body. Just completely all-around hate. There are days when I still do. But I'm learning to accept it.

I'm getting there. The me that I see is not the same as the me everybody else sees. It's difficult to step outside myself and look at me without any of my personal biases.

And now I'm curious... What do you see when you look at you? How does it differ (in your admittedly biased opinion) from what other people see when they look at you?

Comments

[Kate the Peon]

Oh, dear. I so don't want to answer those questions. What I see are rolls and fat and more rolls. Even when I think I look cute, it's only cute 'for me' or 'for a fat girl.'

This is depressing. I'll end by saying that the top pic of you is absolutely stunning.

[JaneB]

I think I see myself thinner than I actually am. And then I catch a glimpse of a picture or a reflection and I get depressed...

Body image is so tricky. And our culture is so not helpful.

[figleaf]

Thanks! I posted something about this a few days ago, about how letting other people see us challenges our interpretation of ourselves.

When *I* see myself I see a skinny, narrow-shouldered man with way too skinny legs and a way too flat behind. I'm reassured by others that this isn't so, and a college career studying social theory with a recurring emphasis on public vs. private perceptions forces me to accept their interpretations but I still think it's really weird.

In my post I said I still see myself as the sickly stoop-shouldered kid with asthma so bad I often had to climb steps one at a time. And that what I measure myself against is someone with a compact, mesomorphic Spiderman physique which, at 6'3" and 200 pounds I'd never match no matter what.

The difference between what I see and what seemingly everyone else does is real even if I'm outvoted. The difference, though, is that I see everything I'm not while others see only what I am.

The woman you describe sounds awful through your eyes but most likely would be appreciated as "coltish." Very long legs, a back arched to push out your stomach, and small breasts may not be *your* idea of attractive but it's quite attractive to many, many others who recognize who you look like (you) and not who you perhaps wish.

It's ok to have a strong interpretation of yourself, even if it might be unfair to you (othewise I'd just be calling the kettle black) but you really need to recognize that yours is not the only valid interpretation.

So there. You know what I think I look like, you've probably seen what I look like at least in photos (and as far as I can tell my photos look exactly the way I look when I take them.) Who's interpretation is more accurate? Is your interpretation diminished by knowing my description consists largely of "not Spiderman?"

To be honest, when I saw your photo I saw lovely collarbones, nice shoulders, an elegant neck, a tasteful blue top under a black sweater, the edges of a decent haircut, and a gently provocative choker necklace.

Other than the hint of pretty A or AA-cup breasts behind a push-up bra I think I'm seeing the same things you do. In other words we're not that far apart though my interpretation is more appreciative than yours. I won't invite you to undress for me on camera or in person but if you ever did I don't think I'd see anything new I saw would change my interpretation.

Thanks for posting this photo, and thanks for sharing what you think of it and yourself. I hope you won't be put out but I also hope you'll take another look and ask "what does he see in me that I don't?"

Take care,

figleaf

[Bliss]

Honestly? I still have a mental image of Bliss at 18, and am always a little surprised when I see current Bliss in the mirror.

[Fade to Numb]

When I look at myself, I see hairy knuckles, a third nipple, hammertoes, a conjoined twin sticking out of my knee, webbed feet, a rash that won't go away, and a little tail that I'm too ashamed to have removed by operation.

Other than that, I feel drop dead sexy.

Just kidding. You look good in your pictures. We all need to accept people's compliments of us.

[Lizzie]

I think I see myself as thinner than I am too. Probably because I was so tiny as a teenager. The weight has come on gradually and now I'm 70 lbs overweight. I am always shocked when I see pictures of myself or catch a glimpse of myself in a window.

[virgin]

Hey all,

Thanks for the comments and the honesty. I wasn't trying to say that I'm sexy or that anybody else was or wasn't, merely that we all have different perceptions of ourselves than others do.

s

[j]

if i look at a picture of myself it feels like someone else. if i look at myself in the mirror its the same. i feel very detached and can only take me in in small doses.

freckles? nice.
eyes? good.
legs? muscular.
hands? big.
etc etc etc.

as the line from 'Cluless' says, but in reverse, I'm a full on Monet. Up close it looks good (one bit at a time) but far away it's like a big ole mess.

i'm working on this.

[Jinx]

Oh, no question. Thinner than I actually am...by quite a bit. Every once in a while, I catch my reflection from some weird angle and realize how big I really am...

[John]

Stumbled onto your blog by accident. I've recently befriended a 28-year old virgin and so got curious on other's like her.
Anyways, I want to post a comment related to your statement of being "pretty much titless". Just realize that not all guys like large tits. The smaller the better for me. So, being titless is not necessarily a detraction from your attractiveness.
My 2 cents.

[Carlos]

Everyone keeps teling me that i'm kind,caring, sweet & a good listener. You would make a perfect dad. BUT.. being all of those including tall,slim, male and still a virgin hurts. I see myself as being different. The odd one out. And though i am very athletic, to tell my mates this.. i would have to be dying!

[Emil]

Iv'e also been told that I'm really nice and a good listener, but I'm tall and also nice on the eyes. I'm dealing with being a virgin every single day and night and it feels like I'm in a Prison cell wanting to be free. I believe all people are social beans and need to have some type of a romantic relationship. In my case I've been trying to find a love life for about 5 years and I'm about to be 26 soon. I found a girl on a dating site that seems to really like me, but not sure if she trusts me enough to be romantic. Iv'e been nothing but nice to her, I'm hoping everyday that me and her will look past all the crap in this world and start to get closer to each other.

[In Your Shoes...]

WOW, I accidentally came across this while googling a movie my friend suggested. I look forward to reading this whole blog as I identify with this post. I am naturally skinny and also have a curved spine - which does give someone a nice backside hehe. I also take part in false advertising with good bras and tops. I'm sure I'm going to enjoy this read.
... Your fellow 30 year old virgin xoxo