The 30-year-old virgin

Not

Giving the online dating thing another go. It worked out well for me last time. Wasn't meant to be in the end, but we had some good times and I made a new friend.

Here's a response I just received to my profile post.

'that photo is soo sexy,you look like a million girls i want to be with, a true unique look'

I look like a million other girls, which makes me unique? Or do I just look like I am many different people?

Delete.

Pathetic, unclassy fraud

I'm a fraud.

So, lately I've developed a pathetic pattern of showing people my new nipple piercing whenever I've had a few drinks — which is often. In the past two weeks I've shown six people, three of whom I'd never met before. Seriously, it lacks any kind of class.

Anyways, recently I was out with a friend. I told her that my co-worker hadn't been able to look me in the eye since I got drunk and showed him my tits in the men's toilet. She screamed, 'no, don't show him! You can just tell by looking at that guy that he's never seen a boob before. Not since his mother'.

I laughed and told her she was being horrible. What an awful thing to say about a 30-year-old man! Of course it's not true.

I am such a fraud.

I keep expecting that somebody will notice and tell everybody else and then they'll all shun me. Somehow I've fallen in with the cool kids. And they think I'm one of them.

How is it that nobody's figured me out yet?

Touching

So, this whole sex thing... So far I have to say... Not a fan.

I'm sure I've heard people say good things about sex. Somewhere or other... But thus far, my experiences of it have been simultaneously boring and painful.

Okay, so the painful has been decreasing over time. Sadly, the boring has been doing the opposite.

I haven't managed to break up with my SGN yet. Dont be too hard on him when I say he's not attracted to me. As I've said before, I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. And that's what he feels like: a friend.

The thing is, as much as I'm not enjoying the sex, I'm not ready to go back to doing without. I've become really attached to all the things that go along with sex.

I went a long, long time not just without sex, but without any sort of physical contact or affection. I don't want to do that again. I don't really like who I become when my life is like that. And that's what I mean when I say bad sex is better than no sex.

I'm not a one-night-stand sort of girl. I don't form attachments easily. Hell, it's rare I meet people at all. If I end things with him, I have to start all over again.

And, well, there's still Mulder. We spend a ridiculous amount of time flirting (long-distance flirting, but flirting nonetheless). He has said that whether or not anything actually happens between us is up to me. But it'll be at least a few months before we see each other again.

I'm actually at the hair salon as I write this. And as nice as it is to be fussed and fawned over, it's just not the same as having somebody who touches you simply because you're within reach, because you're you.

The sexy update

So, I guess this is the sexy update. Except it's not sexy at all.

My SGN can now get part way inside — at least some of the time. He still can't get all the way in. But that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of our combined sexual issues.

It doesn't help that frequently he can't actually achieve an erection. At all. I maintain that this is because he's simply not attracted to me. I mean, he jokes all the time about how fat I am. It's a joke — I get it. I wouldn't be bothered by it in the slightest if he ever made any positive comments about me — you know, physically. But those are generally the only comments he makes.

Except yesterday...

We were walking past a lingerie shop. I decided to go in, and as they happened to have stuff in my size I tried some on. I commented afterwards that I had thought I was between a 32C and a 32D. But the woman in the shop said that actually I was somewhere between a 32D, a 30D and a 30DD. He laughed and said, 'I don't think so. No way are you a D'.

Which sort of implies he thinks I'm both fat and flat... Which doesn't make me feel any better...

Anyways, when he does get it up, well... He goes on and on and on... Until eventually I get bored and start talking, thereby killing the mood.

We are good friends. And I don't need my friends to be attracted to me. But to be honest, that's all we are.

If I break up with him now, he will think it's because of his failures as a man — because that's how he sees the problem...

And the truth is, I'm afraid that if I break up with him, I will go back to how I was before this all got started — sexless. Not just not having sex, but completely removed from all things sexual. Completely isolated in my mighty fortress of self-imposed exile from intimacy of all sorts.

And that's not a good thing.

As much as I honestly believe he's just not attracted to me, he is the reason I now believe I can be attractive. He gave me back the self confidence I lost so long ago.

It was Mulder who made me realise I didn't have to settle for the first offer that came along. But then there's a whole 'nother update to come on that particular topic. And it won't have a happy ending either.

In a nutshell, I'm torn.

Shame

I said it out loud tonight. It's a terrible thing to say. It may be true, but it's no less awful for it.

Bad sex is better than no sex.

Worse still, I cited it as the reason I'm still with my SGN. I am a terrible person, but it's true.

A tale of two men with the same name

I am a horrible person. Really. Well, sort of.

A few days ago I went out with the Flirt. He happens to share a first name with my SGN. That's about the only thing they have in common.

Hmm... Let's call this guy Mulder for the sake of all the (so far) unresolved sexual tension. Mulder is 11 years my junior, divorced, and moving to Hong Kong tonight. But he reminds me that life needs passion. Life can have passion. Life can even have spontaneity. Maybe even fun...

It was clear I didn't have to go home alone that night.

I didn't have to. But I did.

I was composing this post in my head this afternoon, and I was all set to say that none of this was really about Mulder, merely what he represented. And maybe it still is.

But as I've been typing this, he's been sitting in an airport departure lounge. And he's just confessed that he has feelings for me.

A touch of ill timing, wouldn't you say?

I'm feeling pretty torn up about all this. Part of me says if it's not going to work, it's not going to work. Break up with SGN. But then part of me says don't be so hasty. No, it's not going to work long term, but it works right now.

I don't know.

Last night I said to SGN that I had forgotten to pick the duvet up from the cleaners, so it might be cold in bed. In response, he sighed and said he would have brought pyjamas if he'd known. He seriously wanted to wear his clothes to bed. All I could think was, this would never happen with Mulder. We would have no problem heating the place up.

Again, I just don't know.

As to Mulder... Well, we left things with a sort-of implied agreement to get together the next time we see each other. Of course, that will be at least a few months away, and who knows what might change in the interim. On either side.

If it were to happen, I'd definitely end things with SGN first.

But honestly... I don't know.

Reflective

Once upon a time a friend said something to me that I didn't understand. He was about to get married, and he said that what he'd miss most was falling in love. He said he loved his wife and he wanted to marry her, but he would miss the little highs you get when you first begin to fall for somebody new.

I've been thinking about those words lately. I didn't understand them when he said them, but I think I'm beginning to. I'm certainly not in his shoes — they wouldn't even come close to fitting me just now.

This year has (so far) been an interesting one for me. Okay, so I nearly died, but aside from that 2011 has been pretty good to me. It kicked off with a little bang. And then I met my Sarcastic Grumpy Nerd.

Yes, in case you're wondering, I am still with my SGN. Things are going well. He's a good man. He's been very patient with a certain rigidly inflexible and unbreakable membrane. We get along well. He's physically attractive.

You do hear a but coming, right?

But... It won't last forever. We both know that. On his part, it's because he just doesn't believe in forever. On my part, it's because he lacks passion. He's like a photo that's been de-saturated.

He's a good starter model. We'll stay together a while yet. And we'll probably stay friends for the rest of our lives.

I met another guy a couple of weeks ago. Let me be clear — nothing is or will be happening between us. He's moving to another country in a week and a half. But we've got chemistry. And (as I've mentioned before) he's a shameless flirt. I'm enjoying the winks, the smiles and the flirty little exchanges.

What I'm getting at here is that various situations, encounters and people over the past few months have acted together to make me see that my situation is not hopeless.

A year ago (and for a long time before that), I was absolutely convinced that no man could or would find me attractive — let alone actually express any interest.

What's changed? Have I become more attractive, physically speaking? Possibly, but it seems unlikely. Have they been interested all along and I've just been missing it? Maybe, but I'm not convinced. Have I changed in some way that makes me more appealling as a person? I don't know. Maybe I was giving off warning signals that told people to stay away.

I really don't know.

I can't say whether I've changed or if I've merely become more aware of my own reality. But I have a bit of hope for the future, my future.

Sorry, this post doesn't seem to actually be going anywhere. It's just a dump of what's in my brain at the moment. But there you have it.

Flirt

We had a new guy start at work last week. He's a shameless flirt. It's all good fun. He says some things that would be a lawsuit waiting to happen if he weren't so adorable. Lucky for him, he's a charmer.

Exhibit A: He enjoys winding one of our co-workers up. Part way through he leans over and winks at me, then carries on egging him on.

Exhibit B: One morning in the office he was telling me about his cat. He said the cat was the product of a failed relationship. Being something of a literalist, I pointed out that he had just implied he was actually the cat's father. Just what kind of person had he been involved with?

He paused, looked around, leaned in and whispered 'I'm pretty sure there's a pussy joke in there somewhere'.

Exhibit C: A bunch of us went out after work. He and I were talking about the difficulties in communicating with women. He said 'but see, men, we get to go down on women. So it's all worth it'.

Right. Wow. Okay.

Anyways... In other news, things with my SGN are going well. He's a good man. I don't expect it to last forever, but we'll see. For now, though, it's good.

If I'm honest

There is something strange about my personality.

What? More?

Yes, more.

If I'm not immediately good at something, I generally won't do it again. At all.

So this whole sex thing is difficult. And not just literally. But honestly, he does most of the work, so that makes it easier.

What's more awkward is sucking him off. I mean, it's only fair, right? But here's the thing: turns out I'm just not any good at it. I like it, but I don't like (ahem) sucking* at it. And he equates this with not wanting to.

Of course, this doesn't strike him as odd. All but one of his previous partners have disliked doing it.

And that frustrates me.

I want to do it. I like doing it. But I HATE doing it badly.

I need to learn the art of practice makes perfect. And soon.

* No, I don't mean that literally. It's a figure of speech, silly!

Progress

Let's just say we're making progress. We've not achieved the end goal, but we're getting closer.

He has suggested an alternative port of entry, so to speak. While the idea doesn't horrify me, something about it does — commercial lubes all contain crap I'm allergic to. No thanks!

So, for now we're not really getting anywhere, but we're having fun trying.