monster sarcasm rally

New Dollstar Galactica Slayer

19 minutes in...
I'm thinking she's not the doll. He is.

28 minutes in...
Ha!

40 minutes in...
Don't mess with Helo, silly boys.

67 minutes in...
Oh, River.... She always was a little — off.

84 minutes in...
Topher geeking out with himself? Love it!

I love meetings

Thoughts from this morning's meeting...
I'm not really here. I'm just having the most boring dream ever.

Non-vegetarians only, please

Dear Morgan McKinley,

Really?

Yours — oh whatever,
Sars

Merry Christmas

Five years ago a friend of mine got a puppy — a long-haired chihuahua puppy to be exact. At one point she went away for a few weeks, so I looked after the puppy. The puppy had two favourite things to do: beating up the Smelly one (don't worry — he liked it) and playing a game I liked to call Hide-and-Go-Poop. I thought I had posted about this at the time, but the internet tells me I'm sadly misinformed.

Hide-and-Go-Poop is an awesome game. It involves pooping in some out-of-the-way and hard to find spot (such as under the couch or behind the bookshelf) and then waiting to see how long it takes the humans to find it. Who knew such a small dog could make such a big stink? Ya, trust me, it's great.

Anyways... Fast forward. Aided and abetted by my dad, I decided to get my mum a dog for Christmas (long story). A chance conversation with my friend, who now lives not far from my parents, revealed that the dog has been unhappy ever since her son was born. She's been struggling to balance both under the assumption that it would have to get better sooner or later, only it hasn't.

Her son is 18 months old now. When she tries to pay attention to the dog, the kid runs over and hits the dog. When she pays attention to the kid, the dog runs off and poops on his toys / clothes / bed / whatever.

The long and the short of it is that my mum got her Christmas present a month early and my friend is now secure in the knowledge that her pup has a happy new home — and that she'll get regular updates, photos, and visits.

And before you ask, my mum is THRILLED with the gift. Neither my dad nor I have seen her this excited in a long time. And really, that was the whole point.

Friday night

I went to the opera — yes, I did. And then I went out drinking with a gaggle of (literal) divas.

For some crack...

Just saw a man in a suit walk up to a homeless man and ask, Hey bro, spare any change?

That's how it's supposed to work

To the unknown database developer referenced in my previous post,

Ah, yes, I see now. It all makes so much sense. The front end of the database requires dates to be entered in day-month-year format, but will only work if the user's computer is set to month-day-year format. If the computer's settings agree with the database interface, it won't work.

Right. That's perfectly logical. I completely overreacted.

And — in the words of our current database developer — no, I can't fix it. There's nothing wrong with it.

How to pull one over on Sars

Hey there, sarcasm lovers! This is Sars coming at you with a fantastically awesome and brilliant idea. This is for all you database developers out there who just love to mess with people's heads (ya, I'm talking about you).

Let's say you need to build a system for entering and tracking something like timesheets or invoices or purchase orders. Well, the first thing you want to do is ensure your system is really easy to enter information into — but virtually impossible to get anything out of. Because who doesn't love a good game of where-did-it-go?

Done? Brilliant. This is going to be frakkin' awesome.

Okay, now here's where it gets tricky. The next thing you want to do is toss a few surprises into the database. So, let's say your system requires dates to be entered in dd-mmm-yy format. For today's date, users would need to type the numbers 1 & 6, then the letters N, O, & V, then the numbers 0 & 9. Once they've got all the info entered on the screen, they would need to click a little button that says 'SUBMIT'.

But here's the kicker, instead of taking the info as read, sometimes you want to have your system play with it a bit. It's important that it only do this sometimes though. If it becomes too predictable, they might be able to figure a way of getting around it. So, let's say the user enters a timesheet dated 16-NOV-09, let that go through correctly. But if he enters one for 06-NOV-09, set your system to decide that he didn't really mean that. Have it throw 11-JUN-09 in to the system instead.

And because it's so difficult to get anything out and IMPOSSIBLE to change it, the user won't even know his date is wrong. He just won't get paid for the 6th of November, because of course he didn't work on that date.

Well, okay, if you do that, people might catch on too quickly. Instead, let the person change the timesheet manually (i.e. in pen) before submitting it as a hard copy to somebody in a different department (Duh! How else would you do it?). But keep collecting that worthless data in case somebody comes along one day and wants to use it for something.

And then a few years later you could pay somebody to come in and look at your system and pull out all this historical data and turn it into a bunch of sexy and glamorous reports. Let her try to figure out why the data's all screwy. Even if she happens to be a self-professed genius, it still might take her a few days to figure out what the hell you've done.

Awesome. Brilliant. Glorious. I love it.

If you can arrange to have this all done in an environment devoid of free coffee... Well, all the better.

Here I go

First day of new job. Wish me luck.

Update: I can't find the lid to my coffee mug anywhere, even though I had it on the weekend. I don't know what the coffee situation will be at the new company. I am simply too cheap to go and buy coffee. This is a disaster!

Elaboration

And now for a more in-depth look at the experience of quitting my job.

My boss: But there's nobody here who can do what you do! You're a critical part of the team. You're so important. Aside from all the other things you do, nobody else has the ability to troubleshoot with the same speed and accuracy that you've got. And blah blah flattering blah.
Me: That doesn't change the fact that as long as I stay here I will always be admin staff. Regardless of what I do everyday and regardless of what it says on my business cards, at the end of the day everybody still sees me in a role I haven't held in four years.
Him: But that's not true! You've proved your worth time and again. You've demonstrated your capabilities. Your role would continue to grow over the coming months.
Me: I'm still leaving.
Him: Who of the people we've got now could take on your role?
Me: Well, the only person I've seen who shows the kind of skills needed is [a guy who's got the same job I had before my recent 'promotion'].
Him: Ya, but that wouldn't be fair to him.
Me: [sigh]

Later that same day he sends another managing director to try to talk me out of leaving.

Him: Nobody here sees you as admin staff. You've demonstrated over and over again how capable you are. You're a critical part of the team and we all know that none of the admin staff can do what you do. You've shown a level of understanding and critical analysis that is way beyond that of any admin. And blah blah flattering blah.
Me: Okay, but I'm still leaving.
Him: Okay, but show one of the admin staff how to do what you do before you go.
Me: [sigh]

So, ya, I made the right decision. In spite of whatever my dad might try to tell you...